The JC Penny Report: Zip It...

A zipper that won't zip can be a tricky situation at any time when it involves a wife asking her husband for assistance. It is only made worse when you are minutes away from leaving for a funeral and the zipper in question comes from a dress that was just purchased a day or two before, for that exact occasion.

And this was the dilemma I faced earlier this morning as my wife and I prepared ourselves for funeral services. I would have preferred that JC Penny was a full service, 24X7 operation so my wife could quietly slip away for a quick exchange, but we needed to get to a funeral home quick, and the folks at Penny's don't make house calls. So naturally, my wife comes to the second alternative and asks me to help.

All sorts of questions come up in a man's mind, but if you are smart, you would never say something like, "Did you try it on before you bought it?" or "Did it fit when you bought it?" or the always popular, "Geeze, is it possible to grow that much in two days?" Of course, none of these questions were applicable in this case, since I wished to remain living in the house I make payments on each month.

Actually, we have the case of some fancy-pants designer selling dresses with extremely crappy quality zippers. As proof, my wife pulled the dress off and with no bodily pressure applied at all, there was still no making the Zipper function properly.

Having the evidence I needed without having to ask any of the aforementioned objectionable questions, I then suggested my wife slip the dress back on while I grab the pliers. Sorry, I don't have any photos to illustrate.

With my wife holding the bottom of the zipper in place and me holding the top, I grabbed the little zipper thingy with a pair of needle nosed pliers and gave it a good tug. The zipper made it up about a quarter of the way, just as far as my wife had zipped it before. I then warned my wife to brace herself and I gave the zipper another strong tug and this time, it went all the way to the top. Only problem is, none of the teeth in the zipper caught and now, my wife was zipped up with a huge opening on the back of her dress, thoughtfully outlined in the cheap teeth of a really crappy zipper.

Needless to say, time was running out on us and my wife made a beeline for the closet to grab a quick substitution. Now let's be honest. This is August in San Antonio, and 100 degree days are the norm. People understand if you don't want to get all dressed-up for a funeral, so it would have been perfectly understandable to me if my wife walked downstairs in a pair of shorts with a black T-shirt. But instead, she was able to find a nice dress she had picked up at a garage sale for $3.00, and upon a quick approval from me (like I'm going to argue at this point) she was satisfied that she would survive the trauma.

There was only one small problem. The dress was sort of low-cut. And while doing some sort of personal battle in our kitchen, my wife uttered (sorry), these words, "Dear Lord why did you bless me with these big hooters?"

I assure you, husbands everywhere; of all the possible responses available to you, now is not the time to say, "Because they are fun?"

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We attended the funeral services, visited with family and later decided it was not too late to make a trip to JC Penny for a full and immediate refund on the now useless dress. They say that time heals all wounds, but between 7:00 this morning and 5:30 this afternoon, my wife was still pretty steamed that she was not able to wear the dress she had purchased. Frankly, when we got to Penny's, I made some excuse about needing to look for some new ties or something while she went off to do battle.

As a side note, I was walking through the Men's department and saw a pair of slacks that I liked so I took them to the fitting rooms. I walked in and saw an open door to one of the dressing rooms and walked in to find a man standing there in his underwear. I started to step backwards out of the stall and the guy just looked at me and said, "No thank you."

Do you suppose he thought I was bringing him the slacks I wanted to try on? Is there a service where people bring you suggested slacks while you are at Penny's? If so, I was not aware of it.

Anyway, I guess the whole encounter must have left me a little disoriented because I just walked out of the fitting room and into the Men's department to find my wife waiting for me with a full, no questions asked, refund on her unusable dress.

They have no idea of the pain they avoided! And that is one of the reasons why I continue to shop at Penny's. Dressing room oddities notwithstanding.