Good Afternoon Fellow Drivers...

I try to avoid long winded rants about terrible drivers in San Antonio unless of course I can provide you with photographic evidence to illustrate my points. But it has been brought to my attention by informed readers that I am myself being a bad driver when I speed down Culebra or Loop 410, knee on the wheel and camera zooming in and out for a good shot of the other offender. So, with that in mind and without any pictures to support my claims, I just want to offer a few notes.

With the start of the school year underway, it is good that many of you have learned to put down your cell phones and adhere to the 20 MPH limit in school zones. But may I also remind you that, in spite of your best intentions, you do not get bonus points for going 20 MPH outside of the school zones. No, I’m not talking about the person who intuitively slows down when children are walking to school but haven’t yet reached the official school zone. For you, I applaud your common sense and alertness. My complaint is with people who lose all situational awareness and, as if stuck in some sort of trance, do 20 in a 45, not a school, a zone, or a child in sight.

There are two things that I dislike immensely. One is people who are not ready to go when the light turns green. I’m not talking about the person who alertly checks to be sure some idiot isn’t running a red light before proceeding into the intersection; I’m talking about the lady yapping on the cell phone while doing her make-up while yelling at her kids in the back seat to turn down the Disney movie playing on the little DVD player. I have said this before; you need to treat the red light the same way a golfer plays ready-golf. When the light turns green, yell “fore” and go!

The other thing is people who go extremely too slow when they are near a police station or can see a police car within a mile of them. No, no, I don’t expect you to brazenly zip by an officer, doing sixty in a forty, but please, again, how about a little common sense.

I have not had a speeding ticket in years, so Lord knows I am due. In fact, writing this pretty much guarantees that I will get one, just because people who brag about not getting tickets probably deserve at least one every few years. But for those of you who are extremely too cautious, here is a little note: it is okay to do the speed limit (or slightly above) in order to maintain a positive flow of traffic, even when a police officer is present.

My daily commute takes me right past SAPD’s Westside substation on Culebra and it amazes me how people who are driving perfectly normal suddenly freak-out when they see police cars hit the street. They immediately position their hands at 10 and 2, and reduce their speed to 5 or 10 miles below the posted limit.

I also notice what the police officers are doing. They are busy looking at their fancy laptops so they can go out and look for criminals. They are not immediately pointing radar speed guns so they can issue the first ticket of the day someplace miles from the patrol they are trying to get to.

And in the afternoon, it is the same thing. Do you suppose some officer wants to pull you over for doing three miles over the speed limit when he is literally minutes away from the end of his shift? I think not. I don’t think officers are lazy, just realistic.

You paranoid drivers who drive in packs and want to block me in so I can’t get around you, that is what makes for a good dose of road rage. Forget the speed limit or the speed you are going. If you find yourself driving in the left lane with open space in front of you and a car is up on your bumper behind you, you are going too slowly. That is the rule and if you violate it, I think the Electric Chair is suitable punishment. Let me be clear: if you are doing 100 MPH, even in a 30 MPH zone and there is free space ahead of you and you have a guy on your ass behind you; get the hell out of my way!

Also, If you are driving and the car in the lane next to you is going the same exact speed as you, either speed up or slow down so that those of us behind you two morons can get around you. Otherwise, you are creating a blocking situation which leads to road rage.

And finally, a note about road rage. In spite of my displeasure with your impolite driving, road rage is something I simply don’t participate in regardless of how bad my fellow commuters piss me off. I am a laid back enough person to recognize that there is simply no place, including work, that I have to be in such a hurry that I can’t just relax, turn up the radio and enjoy the drive behind your pathetic, slow, ten miles under the speed limit, ass.

The fact is you could be preoccupied because you are reloading. Take your time my friend; I have plenty of space on the disk in my camera, and I enjoy posting your antics from time to time (as long as I can safely take the picture). Drive like an ass, just don't shoot.