Dinner Report: A Big Mac...

If you have read this blog during the last two years, you have witnessed some really unhealthy eating. As that one guy on Sons of Anarchy (the guy who had most his fingers cut off in an effort to persuade him from some compulsive behavior), I am happy to say, "I'll own that". You could perhaps hope that I might announce I have become vegan and turn you on to all the great restaurants that serve only salads and mac & cheese and such, but that is not very likely at this juncture.

In fairness though, in spite of all the barbecue and pizza and wonderful burgers my wife and I have consumed over time, I am happy to report that our consumption of McDonald's has been extremely limited. It isn't that I don't appreciate McDonald's for what it is, fast and cheap, but really, it rarely appeals to me these days.

Earlier in the week, I came home from work and my wife asked me if I would consider a Big Mac for supper. I had to look around for a few minutes to see if I was on Candid Camera. But sure enough, she had a craving for a Big Mac and so off we went to the 'Donald's near our house.
The drive-thru does a pretty brisk business, but inside, the place was dead. You may have experienced this same sort of thing in your visits to many fast food places, where they have one guy cooking, one person in the drive-thru and a manager doing everything else. Running the front counter, making the fries, helping the drive-thru person get their order. Oh the memories I have of working at BranMac and turning back-to-back-to-back $1,000 hours, when at today's prices, that would be about $5,000 in an hour. That's a lot of burgers and fries and triple thick shakes. I would go for 2 hours straight making burger and macs, six and twelve on the turn. Good times.

But now, it seems like the charm of it all is gone. I just don't care for McDonald's, even if they have delicious, irresistible fries. There is something about the experience that ruins it for me. The 17 year old girl staring at you from the counter, waiting for you, the customer to initiate the order process. The cell phone in one hand as she punches in your order with no interest in suggestive selling a hot apple pie to go with your super-sized McCrap. I'm sure the McDonald's by your house is clean and totally above board, but I can't help thinking that the gang-member cook is tagging my burger with his own special sauce. And it isn't just McDonald's, but you know that.

On this particular day, we went in and ordered the combo (not super-sized) and just because I couldn't resist, I also got one of the double cheeseburgers. I mean really, for a buck? How could you not get the double cheeseburger?
The double cheeseburger is like dessert to me. It is so disturbingly greasy that it simply slides down your gullet like melted butter. Just look at it: you could grease your axle with it. But I ate it all.

I have been concerned for years about the buns on the Big Mac. Specifically, I don't think they toast them the way we did in the late 70's and early 80's. The club portion of the bun is supposed to be toasted just like the bottom and the crown, and this doesn't seem to happen. Maybe the procedure has changed, or maybe someone is talking on their cell phone.

Anyway, there was that familiar taste and in spite of the fact the little tasteless burgers just don't look very appetizing, I confess that we both enjoyed the meal. My wife eats her Big Mac in the standard delivery. That is to say, she takes in the two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun like a normal burger.
I on the other hand always eat my Big Mac in two parts. I eat from the club bun up like it was a burger by itself, then I eat the bottom portion like a pizza. Something I started when I was about 16 and just never have changed. By the way, there really should be more onions on that patty.
If you get the feeling that this is all very unhealthy, you are probably right. And McDonald's gives you the facts. There it is. I just ate enough calories for an entire week in a single setting. That ought to hold me over for another year or so.

Coffee Time!

On our trip back to Brandon last weekend, aside from driving by the place, the thought of McDonald’s or that McDonald’s in particular hadn’t even crossed my mind in some time until my wife casually asked, “Is that your store?” Has it really been 30 years since I was a goofy kid flipping burgers and eating leftover Big Macs at closing time? Time flies.

Anyway, my only real thought of McDonald’s was the maintenance man at our store named Carl. Carl was a retired Navy guy - complete with obligatory anchor tattoo - who came in to the store just as the night swing shift would be closing the place. This was before anyone dreamed of a full 24-hour burger operation.

The manager on duty always knew to start a fresh pot of coffee just before Carl would show up, but not too early, otherwise he would give them a condescending, tsk tsk tsk look, pour it out and start a fresh pot. This led to many managers often asking the crew in the drive-thru window to report the first sighting of Carl pulling into the lot, thus, the coffee could be started at the right moment.

Carl’s real notoriety, besides being a small, scary looking guy who could probably beat the crap out of any five of us punk teenagers without missing a drag from his cigarette, was his nightly ritual of screaming “Coffee Time” at the top of his lungs when the fresh pot had finished brewing. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that grown men, on their first night closing the store had been known to wet themselves upon hearing the loud and unexpected screeching. He especially loved to sneak up behind young ladies busily trying to close their registers so they could leave for the night, and give the ol’ Coffee Time yell.

Have you ever seen the movie Full Metal Jacket where the drill instructor tells Private Joker he wants to see his war face? The first time I saw it, I figured that Carl must have been through basic training with R. Lee Ermey. I have also thought fondly of how funny it might have been if Starbucks had been around during Carl’s prime. Can you imagine some teen aged Goth or Emo barista prancing around with a double latte mocha chino only to have Carl come up and scare the bejesus out of him with his war face like Coffee Time routine? Then he would no doubt berate them mercilessly for ruining the coffee by loading it up with all sorts of Nancy-boy flavorings – like cream and sugar.

Carl had a routine aside from the coffee thing and he would come in with his lunch in one of those old school style lunch boxes, the kind with the rounded over top so you could put a thermos in the top of it (which I supsect may have contained a nip or two of the Happy Sauce), and he would place it on a shelf in the walk-in refrigerator. I am only assuming that there was a Mrs. Carl living somewhere who lovingly put together his lunch, complete with a sandwich that would put Subway to shame for him to snack on when he took a break during the night. There was a big scandal that involved someone taking a huge bite from or possibly eating the entire sandwich one night. There were even rumors that I had been the culprit and on a few occasions, I even took credit for the outrageous crime. But in reality, as far as I know, they never caught the guy who did it. To this date, I suspect there may be one of those cold case files sitting in the basement of the Hillsborough County Sheriff's office, if they do in fact have a basement.

I often wondered, years later if Carl did it himself just to shake things up. Managers had been fired for lesser offenses, and taking a bite from the maintenance guy’s sandwich was a serious breach of store security.

To this day, I attribute my skill at mopping to Carl. The man could wield a mighty fine mop and if a few of us young bucks were willing to stay late (off the clock, mind you) he would teach us a few tricks of the trade, in full Tom Sawyer fashion. I have never had the opportunity to try it, but I bet I could swab a deck if the Navy needed my assistance.

So I’m guessing that Carl would have to be in his late 80’s or early 90’s now, though in reality, even though he looked to be at least 65 in 1979, he may have only been in his 40’s when I knew him. I wonder if he is still alive and if so, does he still mop the floors at night at the McDonald’s in Brandon? And I wonder if he still scares the piss out of people with his Coffee Time yell?

Have you worked with someone like Carl? Over at Buzzardbilly, she worked with an old gal named Hester who may have been related to Carl. I'd love to hear about your scary co-workers.

Lunch Report: Texas Hamburger Company...

Before I tell you about our visit to the Texas Hamburger Company you need to know that we have tried numerous places that people have suggested for burgers and many times, after trying the new place my wife and I look at one another as if maybe we got the address wrong or perhaps, the person had been there years ago and the place was under new ownership or something. This doesn't for a minute suggest that a place is bad per se (and THC certainly is not that), it just makes us wonder if we have become so spoiled with really good places to get a really good burger, that something that is just good or okay is now sub-standard.

I don't have any complaints about going through the drive-thru at McDonald's or Burger King to grab a burger for a quick lunch (though admittedly, I can count the number of times I've done that this year on less than I single hand - maybe a peace sign), but if family was visiting Texas and asked where to get a "good" burger, I'm pretty sure I would never suggest 'Donald's or BK.

The other issue for me is the effort to get to the food in question versus the goodness that results from the trip. Using the above example, would you ever see yourself driving across town to get a double cheeseburger from McDonald's? Probably not. But if you happen to be driving down the road and get a hankerin' to spend the 99 cents that has been burning a hole in your pocket, that Mickey D's double cheeseburger is an awesome little treat.So I hope you can appreciate where I'm coming from when I tell you that we went to the Texas Hamburger Company off of Huebner (for those of you not from San Antonio, it is pronounced Heeb-ner, not Hughb-ner) to grab a burger, and enjoyed the extra thick malts and the fries.The first thing you notice about the place is that it is very bright and clean inside. There is the standard usage of old gas station signage and a few obligatory antiques (like old stoves and a piano) scattered around the place for atmosphere, but I get the feeling this may have been an afterthought with more effort put into efficiency and cleanliness.THC is one of those places where you walk in, order your vittles and pay, then find a seat. I like that. There is plenty of seating including a selection of tables and booths and even an upstairs area in case the place gets crowded (which I suspect it does, often). The lady taking our order was extremely friendly, efficient and helpful, explaining the specials and such. The grill area is open to the view of customers, so you can see them working on your order.Whenever we try a new place, if they have onion rings, we like to try them, and of course, fries are required. We got a split basket and I thought it was a generous portion for the price. The fries looked to be, no kidding cut potatoes, prepared on site. Even if they aren't, they were excellent. The onion rings are just not our type. I've mentioned before that I don't like the super hard crunchy onion rings that come in a frozen bag, but I know many folks who do. To their credit, the few onion rings we did eat were not overcooked; in fact, for that style they were perfect.My wife ordered a Cheddar Burger. The patties are the 1/3 pound pre-packaged things - I'm guessing they are not handmade on premises. If you had ever tried Lone Star Grill (no longer in business), I'm certain they used the same supplier. The buns are grilled the way we like them and the condiments are done right. I looked for signs of a happy dance, but it never seemed to come.I got the Bacon Cheese Burger. It looks to me as if they use no kidding, strips of bacon fried up in a pan right there; bonus! They put together a good burger, cooked well, and done so in a reasonably quick time. I can't complain at all other than I thought it was a bit spendy.Instead of tea, we tried the chocolate malts. They use real Blue Bell ice cream and they were very, very good. If you go, try one.

At the end of the day, I think much is expected from a burger place that takes on the moniker "Texas Hamburger Company". If they were called Schmedley's Burgers or something like that, I probably wouldn't even give it a second thought, but I think somebody visiting San Antonio or the Medical Center area might get the idea that upon entering, you are about to enjoy a real Texas burger.

If I could change anything about the place, I would offer a big hand made patty and I would get rid of those packaged onion rings and have the same guy making the hand made burger patties frying up some battered rings to go along with the already excellent french fries and Blue Bell malts. That would be a Texas Hamburger Company and that would also be a Tasty Treat. Until then, you may as well hit the drive-thru for the 99 cent double cheeseburger at 'Donald's.

Have you been to THC? Am I wrong? Tell me about it.

I'm Not a Happy Camper Report:

A few years ago, I used to frequent my local San Antonio version of Craig's List in the Rants and Raves section. The idea was, you could Rant or Rave about whatever, and it was a great release. I recall writing a long entry about a visit to a McDonald's and all of the characters I encountered while attempting to obtain a simple breakfast. It was very well received by the participants of R&R at the time, but not quite a Best Of. Interestingly enough, there is only one person from San Antonio to ever make CL's Best Of list, and that honor belongs to a friend of mine. I shan't provide a link, but you could probably find it if you looked.

Anyway, this isn't about Craig's List. In fact, I stopped frequenting the place because the San Antonio R&R turned into a racist, homophobic, anti-W, anti-Republican, anti-Black, anti-Mexican, anti-White, anti-Conservative, anti-Obama or Hillary or McCain, and anti-Mature forum for what amounted to a bunch of internet hooligans, or in my mind, the equivalent of taggers, but with less creativity.

But I do need to rant for just a moment and I hope you won't mind me taking a jaunt from my usual discussions of neighborhood watch meetings and restaurant reviews to just tell you a few things about my day.

San Antonio is a furnace this time of year, and it hasn't even gotten hot yet. Seriously, talk to me in August if you think a June day of 98 degrees makes you sweat in places you didn't know you could sweat from. If you aren't used to this, you may want to wear diapers.So my mother-in-law lives in an older home without central A/C. She has roughly 5 or 6 window units placed strategically throughout her home to allow the place to be habitable. The most important one, the one in the kitchen that serves the dining room as well, simply went Tango Uniform which resulted in a call to my office today. Need to obtain new unit and install ASAP!

I suggested that my wife run to the Home Depot near our house and grab a new unit, then I'd come home from work, change clothes and we would extract the old one, and insert the new one. My wife grabbed her Mom's Visa, went to the Home Depot and found that the particular unit advertised in the flyer, a 15,000 BTU, 110V unit was not available. No problem says the expert working the area where the A/C's are located. Take this 18,000 BTU 208/230V unit. The one with the funny plug.

My wife is no stranger to appliances or electricity and she asked Mr. H. Depot if the 18,000 BTU unit would run on a 110 circuit. Sure it will, he reported, just purchase this new electrical outlet with the horizontal look, and you can plug it right in. So my wife asked him again if he was sure. And, he was genuinely sure.

So, we both get home about the same time, me switching into my shorts and my wife pulling into the driveway with an A/C unit ready for a window with a 220V plug, in the back of her truck and I say, "What dumbass told you this would work?" And she pointed to the guy at Home Depot.

So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking this is an honest mistake. Maybe the guy misunderstood her electrical requirements, the question about the funny plug and the difference between 110 and 220.

We go back to Home Depot, get credit on my mother-in-law's Visa for over $300 dollars, then proceed to the A/C section. My wife points out the dumbass manning the position, providing insight to customers such as, "To check for electricity in your sockets, insert a butter knife into the holes."

Wait, that's what I told my kids when they were little. (Happy Father's day).

My wife begins to verbally abuse this guy for being a total retard and he commences to tell her that, all you have to do is swap out the outlet, and it will work. Yea, part of it may work, dumbass.

Look, I'm not an electrician and I didn't stay at Holiday Inn Express last night, but I have done a little wiring in my time. Hell, just yesterday, I replaced the triple A battery on the igniter switch to my gas grill. I'm sure that Home Depot sent this genius to a few classes in order to sell boxes full of A/C units to unsuspecting people that didn't make it beyond the Electrical Engineering Merit Badge in Cub Scouts, without having Grandma singe the curtains on her new window unit. Neither of us are experts, but I am pretty confident that Bob Vila would have simply called in Norm Abrahm on this deal, and the two of them would have bitched slapped A/C boy into next week.

I on the other hand, asked him to explain to me how he could extract the required 220 from the 110 wire, simply by changing the outlet receptacle. He then explained in great detail that I simply needed to have the proper gauge wire. And I could check the wire gauge by connecting a voltage meter to it. WTF?

Can somebody please contact the Home and Garden TV police? I seriously nearly burst a vessel. Am I on crack or is not the gauge of the wire pretty much the thickness? Yes, you need a thicker gauge of wire to handle 220 versus 110, but don't you need some more voltage or amps or something coming into the outlet in question, along with the thicker wire?

Okay, so we left the 1604 and Culebra Home Depot and went to the one closer to my mother-in-law's house by 151 and Loop 410. We go in, grab the 15,000 BTU unit and head to the check-out. My wife swipes her mother's Visa and the alarm sounds and the lady at the register asks for her ID. My wife then explains that the card is her mother's and presents the receipt from the other Home Depot and asks why they never asked for any ID at the one by our house? The lady didn't have an answer, but to her credit (no pun intended), she would not accept the card.I busted out my card, bought the A/C and am happy to let my wife and her mom figure out the details.

Okay: So I love Home Depot, but seriously - this was not a banner day for the one by my house. Oh, turns out they are building a Lowes, just across the street in Alamo Ranch. Think about it.

Okay, I don't mean to be a whiner here, but on the way home, we decided to stop at the KFC by my house. We get into line in the drive-thru behind this guy in a car that seriously would make Al Gore film a movie. The car was blowing out white smoke like like it was the opening to a Foghat concert or something.So we wait in line behind this eco-terrorist (or maybe, anti-eco-terrorist, who knows?) and the people at KFC simply never take our order, and the line ain't moving. After more than five minutes, I finally told my wife I had a hankering for Bill Millers, and we exited the drive-thru line.

Minutes later, we pull into my neighborhood, and sure enough, the white-cloud producing car is only a few car lengths in front of us and turns out he lives only a street or two over from us. Nice. No wonder my yard is turning brown.

So there you have it. I'm all Ranted out. What pissed you off today? Tell me about it.

Lunch Report: Rib House Update...

Here is proof positive that sometimes, even when you go to a place you like, you can have a less than tasty treat. It happens. You might recall my recent drooling all over the Rib House and their lip-smackingly good ribs. But at the time, I had this hankering for fish that just wouldn’t go away.

Today, a co-worker and I needed to make a quick trip out of the office and I suggested we make the short drive over to the Rib House. We did, and I have to tell you in all honesty, my lunch was mediocre at best. I only even bring it up because I would hate for you to take it on my word that this place is “all that”, and have you come back and give me the raised eyebrow signifying WTF?My friend smartly ordered the beef ribs with yams and some fried okra. How can you go wrong with that?. I have to tell you that I looked at his plate several times during lunch as the meat fell off the bones and he seemed to passionately inhale the perfectly prepared ribs. We all know that I have immediate regrets as soon as I order something, and when our plates arrived, appearances alone convinced me I would have been better off with the ribs.

My fish was not bad – please don’t let me give you that impression, because by any standard, it was not something I would complain about had I been in a Luby’s or someplace. But I guess I had built it up in my mind that it was going to be really, really, good, and frankly, it was just, okay. And from there, it went downhill.You get two sides with your plate, so I went with the hushpuppies (a must when you order fish) and the Cole slaw – another must when you order fish (unless onion rings are an option). Appearances alone would have resulted in an “Eeee-yuk” from my wife, had she been there to witness it. The hushpuppies were small and not real good. The Cole slaw looked like it had a coat of milk film or something on it, and again, I thought about not tasting it at all. In fairness, the taste was good and in fact, the taste was really good, but unfortunately, the visual of the runny, filmy like coating over the top was a deal breaker for me, and after two or three well intended forkfuls, I had to simply let it go.

In the end, I paid my nearly $11.00 plus another buck for the tip jar and left thinking that I’d just let it go. I mean, if I go through the drive thru at McDonald’s (believe me – a rare occasion) and purchase a Hot & Spicy McChicken and a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu, I don’t make a big deal of it if my sandwich is in full disarray when I open it up from the wrapper; I just eat it and move on. But then I thought to myself, it comes from the dollar menu. $12.00 for some lunch is a different story. It needs to be good for that price.

So, my guess is I just hit it on a bad day. My co-worker was more than pleased with his ribs and he tells me that the time he had a fish sandwich it was worth the price. But I’m not one to get over things like this easy. There is a reason they call it the Rib House, and for me, that is all it will be.; ribs or nothing.

Breakfast Report: Mickey D's...

I took the day off today to get a bunch of errands done and had the bright idea to take my van out for a new set of brakes. I informed my wife of this little idea just as she was jumping into the shower. I figured by the time I got to the brake place and everything all squared away, she could come by, pick me up and we could eat a little snack.So, an hour later, I'm sitting in the waiting room of the Brake Check, and my wife comes to pick me up. She has a bright idea of her own. Since I'm getting new brakes, why don't we go and throw some new tires on her truck?So, long story short, during the time that we were waiting for both vehicles to get their respective work done, we wondered across the street from Discount Tires (Only the best for us, right?) and had a little breakfast snack.

I have seen this commercial for McDonald's new iced coffee kinda deal. They have this guy who has two cups of this stuff and he notices that one has slightly less than the other, so he starts sipping out of the full one, then sips the other to try to even the cups out. Because the iced coffee is just so delicious, by the time he gets to the two guys he is supposed to deliver them to, he has sipped it down to one cup.

So, my wife is a huge fan of Starbucks. But we were at McDonald's. While I was happy to get the coffee that came with the sausage biscuit and hash browns I ordered, she opted to try this new iced coffee.

She ordered the small iced coffee, but the manager taking her order advised us that they do not offer a small, only medium or large. I don't have to tell you that if you only have two sizes and one is bigger than the other, then technically, the smaller of the two is small, not medium. But you know that. McDonald's does not.

Anyway, my wife gets her medium iced coffee and took a single sip and made quite the face and said quite loudly I might add, "This crap is horrible!"Okay, so I have been wondering how the original coffee in that McDonald's commercial had been missing a sip or two from it. Now we both know. Somebody obviously ordered the medium and got the same reaction my wife did.

Mystery solved.

Oh, the other thing we learned from McDonald's is that apparently, you aren't supposed to eat from the displays. Say What? And you know they didn't put the official napkin sign out as a proactive warning. I mean, in the same way it took some clumsy lady suing the bejesus out of McDonald's because she poured coffee down her thighs without realizing it may be hot, for them to put a warning sign on the cup that tells you it is hot; some dipshit must have taken a huge bite out of the Thanksgiving display prompting them to ask others not to enjoy it beyond the standard visual inspection.

I think if you have to have the hand written napkin signage, it's time to hang it up or go wax.