A Few Important Notes for Friday...

I found myself running into a Valero over off of I-10 near the Medical Center this afternoon and I saw something that didn't quite seem right.It was at this particular store. Sorry, I would have recorded the full incident in great detail, but I could not whip out my camera as I had my wallet open in my hand when I saw the incident in question.

You know how they have those Thermos-like coffee dispensers in the various convenience stores so they can avoid having you pour a huge mess directly from the carafe? These are not pictures of the actual dispenser in question, but rather pictures of one I own. I had to make sure you fully understood what I was talking about.

Anyway, the way we use ours is, we make a pot of coffee, then lift the top and fill the Thermos dispenser directly from the fresh pot of coffee, and it keeps the coffee nice and hot for quite a while.I witnessed a worker at the store lift up the top of the dispenser and pour the coffee that he had in a Styrofoam cup into the Thermos. This is simply my recreation of the event, not the actual event in question. Pretend that the red coffee cup is really a Styrofoam cup.

WTH? Does that seem right? Do you suppose they were just being frugal and making one cup of coffee at a time to refill the Thermos, or did the guy simply attempt to be even more frugal and pour his leftover coffee into the thing. Surely someone works at a Corner Store and can let the rest of us know what is going on. Leave a comment, won't you?

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So my wife and I had to run to Lowe's this afternoon to purchase a few items. I had gone outside to load the truck and waited for her to work out a few refund issues with the staff (they are such good folks at Lowe's).Anyway, I was sitting in my truck waiting when I witnessed this guy hock a huge loogey on the ground next to his own vehicle.

Dude, I couldn't even hold that much spit in my mouth if I tried! And just look at how frothy and foamy it is. I almost thought the guy might have rabies. People spit all the time but that was awesome in its volume and truly disgusting in its consistency; I thought I was at some sort of porn movie or something.

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The other day I was looking at Evil Twin Wife's blog and the lady truly does love to look at Fart movies on YouTube. I found myself almost an hour later with tears streaming down my cheeks, laughing like a 40 year-old at different videos people have uploaded where they pretend to fart in public places just to film the reactions of people. One such series is from a guy who sells a product called The Pooter. The Pooter is a little toy that allows you to make fake farts.

So today, my Pooter arrived in the mail and I have to be honest, as they warn in the instructions, it takes a lot of practice. Let's just say, I may have to take another brief hiatus.

Only about three hours into it, my wife is pretty much ready to have it mysteriously disappear.

The Remodel Report: Not One, But Two Bathrooms...

I will confess right upfront that I am partially to blame for escalating what was intended by my wife to be a very small project into something a little bigger. But only if she will take full responsibility for wanting to do the second upstairs bathroom as I was trying to put away the tools following the first.

This started with a mirror. When our home was built in the mid 1970's, there was a full sized wall mirror that was mounted above the 6 foot long vanity. I personally think that is a good thing. But after seeing some of the new modernized stylish mirrors that people put in their bathrooms, my wife was ready for a change. So the idea was to pull out the huge mirror and replace it with something smaller, and do some minor painting and maybe replace the light fixture. Technically, a one day job.Then I suggested we replace the dual-sink, mint green Formica bathroom counter top with a single sink, tiled surface. And I thought we should remove the horrendous texture on the ceiling with some less noticeable smooth texture, and remove and replace the highly offensive combination light/fan/heater unit with a new one. Oh, I wanted to go further. I wanted to rip out all the sheet rock in the entire bathroom and start from scratch but she had to draw the line somewhere.

I don't want to turn this into some Bob Vila tutorial, because Lord knows, we are generally flying by the seat of our pants on this kind of thing, but I would like to offer just a few points to those of you who are homeowners and want to tackle something like this.

Please: Do not screw over the next homeowner. The people who remodeled this bathroom the first time tried a few things that were just beyond their capability and it showed. When we bought the house, the crappy texture job was not a deal breaker because I knew eventually I would either pay someone to fix it or do it myself. But the wiring and the installation of the exhaust fan were problems that I had to deal with (with some help from friends) and some of the plumbing left some craftsmanship to be desired. So all I am saying is, unless you know that you are going to be the last person to live in a house, try to avoid making the next homeowners job that much harder.

Once we made the decision to install a new tile counter top, we hit several places looking. Here in San Antonio, we are lucky that we have numerous tile outlets so you can go in and pick and choose and generally get a good deal. We did go to Floor & Decor on Bandera and even stopped in at a few of the places on 1604 that were closed when we happened to be there. So being the impulse buyers that we are, we bought our tile from Lowes. I was expecting we would pay maybe $2.50 to $4.00 per tile. The one my wife chose was $11.00 per tile. Oh well.So, not that I'm one in a position to give advice (or perhaps, I am in exactly the position), take your time and shop. I promise you can get a good look for less than $11.00 a tile. But it does look pretty good.

I do have to tell you the story of the wiring on the overhead exhaust fan. The previous owners had wired it backwards and we simply lived with it. No real harm. The Vent switch turned on the vent. The Heater switched turned on the light, and the Light switch turned on the heater. As long as you know what works, you can live in a house for 10 years and not mind it. So when it came time to replace the unit, I decided to wire it correctly so that the switch (which is labeled) would turn on the appropriate thing - light for light, heater for heater etc.

I simply left the wires hot and used my little electricity tester to make sure I knew which wires were which, and marked them when I was removing the old unit. A few days later when I had finished texturing the ceiling, I went to install the new unit and immediately was frustrated to find that things did not work as expected.

To hear my wife tell the story, I worked on it for almost two hours. I think a more accurate depiction of the chronology of events was maybe 20 minutes, give or take an hour. Either way, this was at the same time my wife was laying down the new tile on the counter top, so how could she know? Anyway, I decided to just forget the fixture and help her.

By the end of the evening, I had replayed the wiring diagram in my head, and it dawned on me that being a three-way switch, it was different than the standard black-goes-to-black, white-goes-to-white situation. But of course, it was bed time and I decided I would knock it out the following day after work.Fast forward to me walking in the door the following day and finding my wife up on the ladder messing with the fixture. I immediately demanded she remove herself from my workspace before she messed up my wiring. Her response, "What, you don't think I can read the instructions?" With a few flicks of switches, the light came on, the vent came on and the heater came on, all perfectly assigned to the appropriate switch. WTH?Of course, I starting listing off names of people I suspected having come to the rescue, and she was able to keep a straight face until I mentioned friends Matt & Lea. That was it, she busted out laughing and the gig was up. She said Matt was able to diagnose and wire the vent in less than ten minutes.And I guess it was that time saved that caused my wife to get up Saturday morning and suggest we do the master bathroom. We didn't do nearly as much - just the counter top, a new GFCI plug, mirror and the new sink. Same colors, same $11.00 tile. And we are very happy with it.

And that's it. I'm not doing anything for the foreseeable future.

Need more pictures of the project? You can always hit the Flickr Page.

The Lowe's Report: Outstanding Customer Service...

I don't really care one way or another about which Home Center I shop at - Lowe's or Home Depot, because for the most part, they carry the same stuff, the employees are interchangeable as far as expertise on product line, and the prices are roughly the same. I love the fact that when one opens, the other is usually going to open up within a few blocks. This keeps them both on their toes and that is good for all of us.

But, my wife was insistent that I pass along this bit of really good customer service she received at Lowe's in Alamo Ranch, so, as Monk might say, "Here is what happened".

Last Saturday, we went to Lowe's and purchased over $250.00 worth of stuff. Most of it was garden related items - things like plants and grass seed and things that are pretty much not something you can easily return.

For example, it is a fairly good bet that even if I had the bag, I could not go out into the yard with tweezers and pick up all of the grass seed that we threw out into the dirt. Hell, the birds easily ate a quarter of it already. And even though technically, I could dig up the plants and shrubs we bought, it would take a lot to motivate me to do that.

So on Sunday, we went back to Lowe's to purchase a few more things when the lady at the register mentioned the coupon cards that came in the Sunday paper. I think one was for $10 off on a $50 purchase and another was for $25 off on a $250 purchase. I immediately said nothing of our purchase the day earlier for fear that my wife would have me out in the back yard with tweezers and a shovel. But she, on the other hand, looked at the cashier and said, "You have got to be shittin' me."

So, long story short, today, my wife grabbed up the receipt and the coupon card from the paper and went back to Lowe's, prepared to do battle with all levels of management if need be. I promise, you'd best be going to lunch about now, when she is determined.

Instead, upon hearing the circumstances, the lady in the returns department did a full refund on all the items - in spite of the fact that all the grass seed and the plants and potting soil and bushes and such were still in my back yard. And then she re-rang them up to make them qualify for the coupon.

Oh, and get this. Because the price on several of the items had gone on sell since we purchased them, they refunded the difference in price of those items. In the end, when everything was rung back up at the new lower prices, the total was less than the $250 which would qualify for the $25.00 off. So, my wife had the cashier add in four more Bougainvilleas (at the lower price) to get back up to $250, and thus, get the $25.00 off.

Bottom Line: They easily could have said something crappy like, bring in all the items - track down the birds and make them regurgitate the seeds - and really make it difficult, but instead, the representative, Ms. Jeri, simply made the whole experience something worth passing along.

So there you have it. Kudos to Lowe's in Alamo Ranch. Your great customer service will have us coming back.

Yard Work Report

It can be a bit unnerving to have someone yell your name from across the lawn mower section at Lowes; especially when you look and you have no idea on earth who the lady is calling your name. Note to self: Less personally identifiable pictures on the blog!

But in fact, my wife and I were really glad that blog readers Lea and her husband Matt caught us stimulating the economy at Lowes this afternoon. You may recall that Lea sent me her recipe for wings and I promptly screwed them up, requiring a second effort to make them Tasty! One of the great things about living here is the nice people you can run into. We chatted for a while about the neighborhood but then had to run off and purchase some things for the yard.

I had this idea in my mind that I would go home and cook some vittles on the grill but my wife had a different plan. She wanted me to "assist her" with tilling up part of the back yard to make it suitable for laying down some new grass.

We have great neighbors, and M&M brought over the tiller and showed my wife how to use it. Which meant I had to bust out my camera and capture the excitement on film (or digital card, anyway).Do we look like regular farmers, or what? Anyway, I don't know if we are doing the right thing or not, but we have some seriously unacceptable portions of the yard with no recognizable grass. We plan to drop a few pallets of new grass on top of the area, but my wife insisted we motivate the soil to perk up or something.

This is her doing a little motivating. I love the fact that if you look over the fence behind her, you see our neighbor climbing up on the swing set to see what all the excitement is. He's a nice man but we don't know him that well. He is probably thinking that I'm a total jerk for making my wife till the yard while I take pictures. Honestly Mister, it's just a photo op!

We had some spectacular weather in San Antonio today. I hope you got out and saw something good.

Texas House Bill 218: My View...

I have a neighbor and fellow neighborhood volunteer who is very good about sending me information regarding various community activities that may be of interest. He passes along things such as invitations to Meet the Candidates nights, town hall meetings and information on classes being given by the city. I try to post the messages on the GNWatch Blog so people interested in the information can find it.

Several days ago, he sent me a notice about a Texas State Bill being sponsored by our representative, Jose Menendez. You can find the entire text of the bill here, but the short text is:

Excerpt: REGULATION OF SALE OF AEROSOL PAINT; SURCHARGE. (a) A county by order or a municipality by ordinance may require a person who sells aerosol paint to: (1) require proof of identification from the buyer before making a sale to that buyer; and (2) record the sale, including the identification information, in a log and maintain the log for at least two years after the date of the sale. (d) An order or ordinance adopted under this section may require a surcharge not to exceed one dollar on each ...

I have had the pleasure of meeting (if you consider shaking hands and briefly chatting, “meeting”) Representative Menendez several times over the years. First when he was running for the District 6 City Council seat at one of those candidate debates at Anson Jones Middle School, and another time at Westwood Terrace Elementary School. During those times, I was really impressed with him, especially when another candidate questioned his resume, and Jose was quick to whip out a certificate showing the degree being questioned.

Later, as he was walking the neighborhood campaigning, he happened upon my wife and I working in the garage of the house we had just purchased in Silver Creek, and he told us how we had bought the house right out from under him! He was a good sport about it, but really, what do you say? Uh, sorry.

So long story short, though I’m sure there are issues that I wouldn’t agree on 100 percent, like when he was among the group of legislators who left Texas to avoid having a quorum, I have repeatedly voted for Jose Menendez because I think he is an overall good representative and means to do positive things for our district.

After receiving the e-mail from my neighbor, I read through the proposed legislation put forth by Rep Menendez and I had to send a response back telling him that I totally oppose this effort. Yes, graffiti and specifically tagging is a problem. Not just in our neighborhood, city or in the state of Texas; it is everywhere. I applaud the efforts of people to address the problem, but seriously, this proposal is nothing more than “feel good”, “look at us, we are doing something” crap.

Let’s think this out. They want places like Home Depot or Lowes to check your ID when you buy a can of spray paint. Then they want them to log your name and keep a record of the transaction for 2 years. Then they want you to pay up to one dollar per can. Attention foes of the Patriot Act: feel free to pipe in now.

Forget the extra tax on the paint (to be used for what?); now people at hardware stores have to go through all this extra nonsense just to be in compliance with the law, when the fact is, it does nothing to stop tagging. I'm sure that will lower prices in a tough economy.

Think about this: The police show up to the crime scene. Someone has sprayed black paint on a fence. Does the officer call out the CSI people to come and do an analysis of the paint to determine where it came from? What store sold it? Let’s say hypothetically that the tagger leaves the can of spray paint on the ground and it actually identifies the Home Depot brand. Which Home Depot does the officer go to, and then, what does he look for once he has the list of all the people who purchased a can of spray paint in the last two years? Now, count the number of times there is a new fence tagged in San Antonio everyday. And times in the state of Texas, every day. Keep in mind; we are still talking about a misdemeanor.

I’m sure Rep Menendez means well, but this is bad legislation and does nothing, zero, notta, to solve the problem. So what do we need?

For starters (and there are other efforts underway to pursue this), we need to put first time offenders, regardless of age, in jail, even if it is only for a few nights. We need to make the offender (and parents of juveniles) liable for the damage. We need to tie the amount of that damage to all of a taggers combined offenses, not just the one he was caught doing. In other words, if a guy is known as “Joe the Tagger” and he has marked up buildings and fences over a period of a year with a JTT symbol and is finally caught, he should be required to be held accountable for all the damage that can be reasonably proven to have been caused by him. This is why I always take pictures of the graffiti in my area. And I have a huge collection.

I am a fan of community service, but I oppose community service being tied to anything that the offender would otherwise be doing. For example, I have heard that some judges will assign a number of hours of community service to an offender, to be carried out in that offender’s church. Really? If a kid is in the Scouts, don’t give him community service that will help him get a few more merit badges. Community service must be meaningful and pay restitution to the community harmed.

I think convicted taggers including first offenders should have their pictures displayed on a web page. Adults and Minors. If the newspaper can print the picture of the student of the week, there is simply no excuse that we should not know which teens amongst us are convicted taggers. More importantly, we need to know which parents have kids that are convicted taggers. In the same way you can go online and do a search by Zip code to find out who the registered sex offenders are in your neighborhood, I want to be able to go on-line and see a picture of the kid who tags, and what his known tagging signature is. That way, if it shows up again on a fence, everyone knows who did it. I suspect that will create a far better deterrent than paying a dollar extra for a can of spray paint.

I am a huge fan of peer pressure. I would like to know what our schools are doing about ostracizing the taggers in the same way they teach children about how bad their parents are for smoking or drinking? If a tagger is caught defacing a school, in addition to whatever other trouble the kid gets into, his face needs to be plastered on the wall as a vandal. For some, this will surely be a badge of honor, however, this type of thing can motivate parents to keep an eye on their own kids. Not that most of these parents attend PTA meetings, but if as part of one of those meetings, the school police officer listed a who’s who of taggers with associated markings, other parents might recognize similar tagging in the neighborhood and be prompted to let the parents know about it. The last thing a parent wants is the neighbor coming over to tell them that Little Jimmy has been tagging the fence again.

If people want to spend tax money on something beyond arresting these offenders, why not spend it on MTV? Better yet, why don’t MTV and other youth oriented media have ongoing campaigns to deglamorize this vandalism? Instead of “Rock the Vote”, how about, “Beat the crap out of the tagger!” I’d approve of that message. I know that the city of San Antonio has Graffiti eradication programs to try to get youth to move from tagging toward art. That’s fine, but much of the problem is not artistic in any way at all, it is pure vandalism and marking of gang (or wannabe gang) territory. Why no public service announcements on local TV showing taggers to be the losers they are?

When do we stop simply painting over the vandalism and start doing something about it? I have learned that this type of vandalism isn’t something that the police are going to send multiple squad cars, blaring sirens, and sealing off streets and neighborhoods as helicopter flies overhead doing a search with K9 units going house to house. Yet, this vandalism is systematically creating the appearance of a deteriorating neighborhood and lowering the values of homes. Many good families are opting to leave rather than stay. Many homes are purchased as investment properties and rented out increasingly as Section 8 homes, bringing in people who often do not have the financial wherewithal to maintain a home beyond the minimal rent they pay.Meanwhile, I call the city of San Antonio at least once a week (usually several times) to report that Oscar Perez Memorial Park has been tagged again. The city Parks Department sends a crew out, the tagging is painted over and more often than not, the next day, some new tagging is present.The city built some sort of small baseball diamond park right next to Nelson Wolff Municipal Stadium on Callaghan Road near Hiway 90. I pass this place on my way to work each morning and after over a year, I notice that they still have one of these surveillance systems installed. This system is monitored and it will light up with spotlights, sirens and verbal warnings if someone trespasses. You see these things in use at a lot of construction sites. Don’t you think it is time that the city start installing these things in areas, like Oscar Perez Memorial Park, so we can begin to identify the taggers, or heaven forbid, deter them from tagging the park in the first place?

I’m sure there are many other productive ways to deal with this growing problem but I got a suggestion from my brother who is a big fan of caning. We are reminded of that kid in Singapore several years ago who was caught and convicted of tagging and vandalism. The punishment: caning. I suspect that kid never tagged there again.

My brother’s idea is slightly different. What is missing from the current process is the punishment factor. A kid is sent to see a judge for truancy or maybe even tagging. The judge orders the kid to go to school and perform some community service hours. My brother suggests that each courtroom be assigned a professional spanker. That is, a guy who is certified to assess body size, weight, muscular structure etc, and then equipped to deliver an exact, certified paddling to the offender, in front of courtroom spectators. The first appearance in court would result in two solid whacks. Each subsequent appearance would add two more whacks. If a kid gets up to 8 or 10 whacks, he is surely ready for some jail time. Just a thought. I know, the days of corporal punishment are long gone, but we can dream.

My wife will tell you that I am overly passionate about this subject. I tend to be long winded and my blood pressure tends to elevate each time I talk to a person about the problem of tagging in our area and in our city. In truth, I could simply turn a blind eye to it like many others have. I could pretend that the little scribbling along fences I drive past adds a sort of artistic urban flavor to the place. After all, these are just young people looking for an outlet, right? I don’t mean to pick on Rep. Menendez’ attempts to do something, but I’m afraid he has neither researched this topic adequately, nor added anything useful toward the fight.

I do not believe that most of the taggers get their paint at Home Depot. I believe it comes from art stores, via the internet and in local stores that have nothing to do with hardware. I’m sure some of it comes from the garages and sheds of unsuspecting parents, grandparents and neighbors. Putting yet another requirement on businesses that ultimately will yield very little change is in my mind, the wrong approach. I encourage you to do a little research on your own. Google is your friend; type in “Graffiti Supplies” and learn more. And do like me, and take a minute to send Representative Menendez your thoughts on how we might better handle this problem.

And of course, you can tell me your ideas.

I'm Not a Happy Camper Report:

A few years ago, I used to frequent my local San Antonio version of Craig's List in the Rants and Raves section. The idea was, you could Rant or Rave about whatever, and it was a great release. I recall writing a long entry about a visit to a McDonald's and all of the characters I encountered while attempting to obtain a simple breakfast. It was very well received by the participants of R&R at the time, but not quite a Best Of. Interestingly enough, there is only one person from San Antonio to ever make CL's Best Of list, and that honor belongs to a friend of mine. I shan't provide a link, but you could probably find it if you looked.

Anyway, this isn't about Craig's List. In fact, I stopped frequenting the place because the San Antonio R&R turned into a racist, homophobic, anti-W, anti-Republican, anti-Black, anti-Mexican, anti-White, anti-Conservative, anti-Obama or Hillary or McCain, and anti-Mature forum for what amounted to a bunch of internet hooligans, or in my mind, the equivalent of taggers, but with less creativity.

But I do need to rant for just a moment and I hope you won't mind me taking a jaunt from my usual discussions of neighborhood watch meetings and restaurant reviews to just tell you a few things about my day.

San Antonio is a furnace this time of year, and it hasn't even gotten hot yet. Seriously, talk to me in August if you think a June day of 98 degrees makes you sweat in places you didn't know you could sweat from. If you aren't used to this, you may want to wear diapers.So my mother-in-law lives in an older home without central A/C. She has roughly 5 or 6 window units placed strategically throughout her home to allow the place to be habitable. The most important one, the one in the kitchen that serves the dining room as well, simply went Tango Uniform which resulted in a call to my office today. Need to obtain new unit and install ASAP!

I suggested that my wife run to the Home Depot near our house and grab a new unit, then I'd come home from work, change clothes and we would extract the old one, and insert the new one. My wife grabbed her Mom's Visa, went to the Home Depot and found that the particular unit advertised in the flyer, a 15,000 BTU, 110V unit was not available. No problem says the expert working the area where the A/C's are located. Take this 18,000 BTU 208/230V unit. The one with the funny plug.

My wife is no stranger to appliances or electricity and she asked Mr. H. Depot if the 18,000 BTU unit would run on a 110 circuit. Sure it will, he reported, just purchase this new electrical outlet with the horizontal look, and you can plug it right in. So my wife asked him again if he was sure. And, he was genuinely sure.

So, we both get home about the same time, me switching into my shorts and my wife pulling into the driveway with an A/C unit ready for a window with a 220V plug, in the back of her truck and I say, "What dumbass told you this would work?" And she pointed to the guy at Home Depot.

So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking this is an honest mistake. Maybe the guy misunderstood her electrical requirements, the question about the funny plug and the difference between 110 and 220.

We go back to Home Depot, get credit on my mother-in-law's Visa for over $300 dollars, then proceed to the A/C section. My wife points out the dumbass manning the position, providing insight to customers such as, "To check for electricity in your sockets, insert a butter knife into the holes."

Wait, that's what I told my kids when they were little. (Happy Father's day).

My wife begins to verbally abuse this guy for being a total retard and he commences to tell her that, all you have to do is swap out the outlet, and it will work. Yea, part of it may work, dumbass.

Look, I'm not an electrician and I didn't stay at Holiday Inn Express last night, but I have done a little wiring in my time. Hell, just yesterday, I replaced the triple A battery on the igniter switch to my gas grill. I'm sure that Home Depot sent this genius to a few classes in order to sell boxes full of A/C units to unsuspecting people that didn't make it beyond the Electrical Engineering Merit Badge in Cub Scouts, without having Grandma singe the curtains on her new window unit. Neither of us are experts, but I am pretty confident that Bob Vila would have simply called in Norm Abrahm on this deal, and the two of them would have bitched slapped A/C boy into next week.

I on the other hand, asked him to explain to me how he could extract the required 220 from the 110 wire, simply by changing the outlet receptacle. He then explained in great detail that I simply needed to have the proper gauge wire. And I could check the wire gauge by connecting a voltage meter to it. WTF?

Can somebody please contact the Home and Garden TV police? I seriously nearly burst a vessel. Am I on crack or is not the gauge of the wire pretty much the thickness? Yes, you need a thicker gauge of wire to handle 220 versus 110, but don't you need some more voltage or amps or something coming into the outlet in question, along with the thicker wire?

Okay, so we left the 1604 and Culebra Home Depot and went to the one closer to my mother-in-law's house by 151 and Loop 410. We go in, grab the 15,000 BTU unit and head to the check-out. My wife swipes her mother's Visa and the alarm sounds and the lady at the register asks for her ID. My wife then explains that the card is her mother's and presents the receipt from the other Home Depot and asks why they never asked for any ID at the one by our house? The lady didn't have an answer, but to her credit (no pun intended), she would not accept the card.I busted out my card, bought the A/C and am happy to let my wife and her mom figure out the details.

Okay: So I love Home Depot, but seriously - this was not a banner day for the one by my house. Oh, turns out they are building a Lowes, just across the street in Alamo Ranch. Think about it.

Okay, I don't mean to be a whiner here, but on the way home, we decided to stop at the KFC by my house. We get into line in the drive-thru behind this guy in a car that seriously would make Al Gore film a movie. The car was blowing out white smoke like like it was the opening to a Foghat concert or something.So we wait in line behind this eco-terrorist (or maybe, anti-eco-terrorist, who knows?) and the people at KFC simply never take our order, and the line ain't moving. After more than five minutes, I finally told my wife I had a hankering for Bill Millers, and we exited the drive-thru line.

Minutes later, we pull into my neighborhood, and sure enough, the white-cloud producing car is only a few car lengths in front of us and turns out he lives only a street or two over from us. Nice. No wonder my yard is turning brown.

So there you have it. I'm all Ranted out. What pissed you off today? Tell me about it.

New Marketing Ploy?

Do you suppose the fine people over at Lowes came up with the idea to put a rainbow over their store so husbands could trick their wives into going inside to get to the pot of gold in the back?

I suppose not, but it made for a pretty cool look.

Let me just cut to the chase...

Oprah is not allowed in my house. Yes, yes, I understand that as the most powerful woman in the world, she could probably buy me off or pay somebody to force all of my TVs to play the Oprah Show all day on every channel, but assuming she leaves it my decision (and my wife goes along with it), I forbid Oprah from being here.

So, since I don't watch Entertainment Tonight either, I had not seen Oprah in quite sometime. Lo and behold, it turns out that she has her own magazine, and on top of that, she has infiltrated the Lowe's Home store off of 151 and 410. WTF!? Sweet sister of Frances in cut-offs and heels; now this lady has invaded the domain of all that is manliness.

So I am standing there in line purchasing some paint for my wife to get busy with this weekend, and staring me in the face at eye-level is Oprah, and she looks like a semi-slim caricature of herself. And, quite frankly, she looks a little like a hyena.

I have to wonder if this is a lot of air-brush action gone wrong, or does she really look like this when Stedman nudges her out of the bed each morning. Egad!