The Morning Report: Garden Ridge & Ingram Mall...

I broke one of my personal policies this morning by entering Garden Ridge Pottery anytime after Halloween. For some reason, they transform the place into the smell of cinnamon, and I just don't care for that, at all. But, my wife needed to look for something, so off we went; and I promise, I was prepared to wait outside if need be. But in fact, they must have reduced the cinnamon smell because it just wasn't all that bad.But if you plan to attempt Garden Ridge, you should know that shoppers seem to have trashed the place. My wife commented that everything looked as though it had been picked through. Seriously people, can't you look at something and then place it back on the shelf where it came from?Last night we took a drive around the neighborhood to show our dog Gracie the Christmas lights. I have noticed over the years an increase in the use of these fancy blow-up ornaments and huge globes and such. So standing in Garden Ridge, I witnessed some guy purchase one of these palm tree looking things with a built-in stereo system and flashing lights. It is actually cool; you can connect your iPod to it and play your favorite music. The problem was, it wasn't playing Christmas music at all - it was like a cruise to Jamaica or something and this redneck with a huge beer belly (bigger than mine, in fact) was attempting to do some sort of mambo train dance as his wife hurriedly pushed the shopping cart away from gawking onlookers and the one guy with a camera. Sorry, no footage.

But the point of it is, what happened to just a string of lights and a wreath on the door? Oh, who am I kidding? We have deer and other crap set out in our front yard too.

And if some deer and a big Texas outline that has flashing lights that spell out "Merry Christmas, Y'all" doesn't put you in the mood, surely this will get you going.Oh, and attention Garden Ridge: It is Christmas season. Can we open up more than two cash registers?

------<<>>------

So we had to run to Ingram Park Mall to find something at Kirkland's, but we got there before they opened up. We decided to walk around for a bit, and some lady snagged my wife to demonstrate some Russian style hair flatting device. Okay, I say Russian because they lady had a really thick Russian accent. Anyway, the lady starts messing with my wife's hair and she is being a good sport about it though she tried to walk away several times and was too polite to say, Get off me, bitch! About the time I walk back up to them, I hear the lady telling my wife that the little straightening thing is regularly priced $352.00 but right now, she could let it go for $159.00. I nearly bust a gut trying to throw my laugh in a different direction. My wife was a little more pleasant simply saying, "Oh, hell no!" Seriously, if you saw this thing, you'd be sure it was the same thing they sell at Walgreen's for $19.99. I mean, our economy can't be so jacked-up if people will pay $159 much less $352 to straighten their hair.

------<<>>------

We went in to Kirkland's, got the few items we needed then by chance went down to the Sears just to observe and report as needed.I wonder if they really want you to walk down the blue line, then stand directly in front of the sign until called to the register. Apparently, the lady did not think so.

------<<>>------

After a trip to HEB Plus, we thought we would try out the new Freddy's Frozen Custard place they built on Potranco Road near Highway 151. The place was packed, but we figured we would give it a shot.Not so fast my friends. Apparently, they were just feeding each other because it still isn't open yet. Has anyone ever eaten at one of these places? I am assume it is a chain. What should I order? Tell me about it.

Celebrity Sighting Report: Cousin Itt

My wife and I had to make a quick run into Garden Ridge this afternoon and I'm not even talking about the one on the fancy side of town. You'd never expect to see anyone famous over by our neck of the woods, like George Strait, Timmy Duncan or Chris Marrou. But we did get sort of a thrill for a moment or two.As we walked down the aisle, we thought for sure we had come upon Cousin Itt from the Addams Family. Oh sure, there was no hat, but some celebrities try to look a little different in order to disguise their appearance from loyal fans.Lo and behold, it was just some small lady with long hair. Strange.

Shopping Report: Garden Ridge

Let me just get right to the point. My wife has gone crazy and has forced me to drive all over creation looking for fake daisies.

As such, we went to the Garden Ridge on Loop 410 in between Culebra and Ingram, then we went to the original Garden Ridge out on IH-35 near Schertz (and as you might imagine, the small town of Garden Ridge). If you aren't from San Antonio, think Michaels or Hobby Lobby, but with assloads of pottery.

We can review this daisy craziness later, but the important point of this post is that, you simply cannot go into Garden Ridge anytime after mid-August because they bust out all things Cinnamon and the smell is simply overpowering to anyone with a near-normal ability to smell. I don't suffer from allergies, but standing within 200 feet of the entry way to Garden Ridge after they have started putting the "Fall Holiday" and "Winter Celebration" collections out, my eyes begin to tear up and I begin having flashbacks of the first time I had to go through gas mask training in the military. No wonder women who do crafts always seem a bit crazy. I mean, just look at Christopher Lowell.

Okay, so aside from the smell, and thankfully, they were only getting ready for the big transition, there are often very interesting people who shop at these places. One time for example, we made the journey and as we shopped around, I encountered a no-kidding, certifiable crazy lady, complete with talking to herself, lashing out at others, and purchasing two shopping carts full of crazy things.

I could fill three pages of the antics that occurred during this event, but I have been trying to ween myself from writing the "F" word, I never use the "C" word to describe private female parts, the suggested sexual actions this woman proposed might be illegal in several states, and without those descriptions, the story just isn't that interesting. But take my word for it, we live among the shoppers of arts and crafts places and I for one am glad in Texas, we can carry concealed weapons, and it isn't illegal to take pictures of weird people.

Which gets me to my point. I have on occasion provided you with photographic examples of "What not to wear", and I'm not quite sure this one falls into that category. This is Texas, and everything in Texas is big. Including our people. Also, Cowboy boots are popular in Texas, so, giddy-up and wear them to church if you care to. Finally, with our close proximity to Mexico and the NAFTA and all that, many women including the hueras find the moo moo house dress to be a comfortable and fashionable design for a day of shopping; but in fairness, this is usually limited to Wal-Mart or perhaps the corner liquor store.

So, as we wandered through our second store in as many hours hoping to find all things Daisy, I tried to avoid looking at anything that would distract me from the main task of getting in and getting the hell out! Sadly, as we were approaching the front of the store in a near attempt to find a spot in line at the cash registers, we nearly bumped into a very arts and crafts oriented lady. In fact, our carts nearly collided because I was suddenly preoccupied with trying to mentally evaluate how I would discreetly get a picture of this without being so obvious as to warrant investigation by store security.

My wife is no stranger to my antics, so she immediately found cause to find the ladies' and left me to maneuver in and out of aisles of various housewares, table cloths, cloth napkins and the like, as I tried to appear as normal a shopper as one can be in one of these freak-farms, while not losing sight of the lady in the blue-Mexican moo moo and pointy shit kicker-like cowboy boots. The only thing that could have been better would if she was wearing a small hat. Not necessarily a cowboy hat to match the boots or a sombrero to match the dress; it could have been a fancy party hat or even a top-hat - she could not have looked any goofier to start with, but it would have really been a gem in my eyes.

So after the brief game of cat & mouse and several sets of cloth napkins that wouldn't possibly match our dining room table, I made a few valiant attempts at capturing this fine specimen on the camera, purely for instructional purposes. Just then, my wife caught up to me and said that she could not find me, what with my stealth techniques of blending in, and covert ways of seeking out three crappy pictures with my blurry, unfocused camera, so she simply looked for the oddly dressed lady in the blue moo moo, and there I was.

We did end up buying some daisies, some glasses and a bag of M&M's, and then we got out!