Perhaps Miss Manners Can Help...

This might be a delicate topic for some but in general, I tend to snicker when exposed (preferably via television or movies) to flatulence. It is certainly less fun in person, but even then, I have been known to giggle like a 12 year old - just ask my wife.

But what happens when you are in a place where it would simply be inappropriate to respond in such a childish manner? This very thing happened to me a few days ago. I was out at Lackland picking up a prescription at the satellite pharmacy. For those of you not in the know, retired military folks can call in prescription refills to a pharmacy and then go stand in line with all the other old retired folks and pick up the prescriptions. I know, sounds fun. But it beats going to Walgreen's and finishing the process with a trip to the cash register.

Anyway, I stopped in after work and the line was pretty long - about 15 people in front of me. The place is small, so they use one of those cattle herding systems to keep everyone in place, not unlike what you might see at Disney or Fiesta Texas.

I had made it to about midway into this little maze when suddenly, the smell of sulfur hit. There was no audible trace to give a clue as to which blue-hair may have been responsible for the situation, but I knew it was somebody close by.

I immediately suspected the older gentleman in front of me. I caught a glimpse of a guilty smile and the crows feet around his eyes seemed to expand a bit as he kept from breaking out into a full laugh. But just to be sure, I looked for other suspects and probably any of the other people in line could have been responsible.

We moved forward in line as another patron had received their garbage bag full of medicines and once again, somebody really just lit the place up. I mean, at this point, it would have been reasonable for anyone to pull the fire alarm. And once again, the first suspect I had in mind was visibly forcing himself not to giggle. Oh sure, had it not been for the rancid odor, I would have simply busted out laughing, but honestly, somebody was in real distress. I fully expected an ambulance to arrive or at minimum, the hazardous materials unit.

I looked away from the older man and turned to look behind me. That was when I saw the 4 foot tall granny peering above her cat lady glasses and giving me the dirtiest look ever. What the hell? This lady had me bagged for the culprit. Oh sure, always blame the fat guy.

So I guess the question for Miss Manners would be, how do you defend yourself from being tagged as the guilty party in a situation like this? I mean, do you just step right up and announce boldly, "Alright, I don't know who shit the bed, but you need to have your prescriptions checked for compatibility."? Or would that approach seem to lead to the old rule, "The finder is the fox." (also sometimes known as, "He who smelt it, dealt it.")?

Is it impolite to acknowledge gas in public? I just don't know, but I'm thinking about looking into one of those mail-order prescription services.

Yard Work Report: Need a Rake?

My wife and I spent the day at her mom's house so we could help out with a few chores that needed to be done. The city is supposed to start brush pick-up in her neighborhood Monday, so we went over for some tree trimming, fence mending, pecan picking, and a little entertaining rake repairing.By the time we arrived, my brother-in-law Junior, had made quite a project of the deforestation of the yard. The house, over in the Lackland area of town, has pecan trees, front and back. But, many of them have outlived their pecan life and the branches fall without warning. So, some major trimming had to occur.

My big project involved the replacing of an old gate with an older gate. I know, doesn't really make sense, but what the heck. A few months back, I had built a new gate for my own privacy fence with the intentions of throwing the old one out with our brush collection. My mother-in-law saw it and said it would be perfect to replace one on the back of her yard. She has a small section on the side of her shed that we often store old wood and stuff in, and the gate covers the ugliness from view. Plus, when some people drink beer, they often get the urge to pee outdoors, and that little closed area allows them the freedom to be one with nature, but not offend anyone else. I know what you are thinking, and no, I prefer to use any of the three "regular" facilities available. I can't take my wife anywhere. Just kidding.So, the gist of it is, I pulled off the old gate with no problem but found that the new old gate was a bit wider and heavier and was going to need some heavy duty hinges. So, a trip to Home Depot, then a trip to my house to grab my circular saw, and we were in business.During the course of all this work, my wife and her sister started picking up pecans. This led to Junior throwing a leaf rake into the tree so as to shake loose some of the pecans. The end result was that my mother-in-law's favorite gardening tool was damaged during the turbulent flight into one of the unforgiving and unyielding tree branches.Junior made a valiant attempt at hiding the damaged rake from view, but my wife promptly ratted him out to the mother-in-law, and over the next hour or so, he began a rather unorthodox attempt at repairing the yard implement.Luckily, my late father-in-law Nando, was always good for having some spare screws, washers and other assorted items handy in his workshop, so Junior had all he needed, provided his imagination held out.

In the meantime, my sister-in-law's husband Armando, used a plastic spatula tied to a rope to lasso a dead branch from the tree and pull it down. Everyone cheered when on his 7th or 8th attempt, he found success.My son watched from mid tree.Naturally, we couldn't let this day pass without some vittles, so the grill was lit and we threw on some chicken, ribs, and a few burgers for good measure.Armando repaired an extension cord that had seen better days.Finally, after several screws, a few pieces of hardware and lots of sheer determination, Junior had successfully put the rake back into clean, dry, and serviceable order. And he even took it for a test drive to prove it.The only problem is, it requires safety gloves, eye protection and a hard hat to use it, due to the China-like refusal to follow any acceptable OSHA standards!

Brunch Report: Taco Martinez #2

This morning, my wife, daughter and I met my mother-in-law and and some visiting family who came in from California and Houston because they needed to taste a real San Antonio type taco. It took a while, but we got it done at the newly opened Taco Martinez on Military Drive just north of Hiway 90 near Lackland's Hamburger Hill.

The location of this new restaurant which apparently opened just this week, is very familiar to us. For years, it was a Bonanza Restaurant, then, when the franchise left, they called it Bandana, so if you happen to drive by, you might confuse the lettering and think that it was still Bonanza. Inside, it looked the same, operated the same, had the same menu as Bonanza, and all of the same Bonanza employees.

When that pooped out, the space took on a Chinese flavor, then perhaps a different Chinese flavor, and now, Taco Martinez #2. I have driven by the other Taco Martinez, but never had the pleasure of eating there.

Okay, to the point. You must gauge everything I say with the understanding that we had a party of 13 people and further, it was easily 10 to 15 minutes before all of us were in place. Though we never communicated to anyone that we would be having an ever expanding group, I was content to accept that the staff was not waiting on us so that we could get everyone in place. I fully understand that it takes a really good wait staff to handle large groups efficiently and it is only made tougher when there are many large groups. Looking around, I could see multiple groups of 8 or more.

When we first sat down, we were entertained by a lady who was complaining about a jalapeño seed being in her husband's taco. In a Mexican restaurant? The Hell you say!
The waitress, then a more senior waitress seemed to roll with the punches and take off the cost of several items on the ticket, though it was clear that this family had eaten about all they were going to eat before finding a reason to complain. How convenient.

Okay, so at about 30 minutes into our being seated and catching up with visiting family, we had still not been on contact with our waitress (other than when we first walked in and got three menus) and several of us were getting quite antsy. I no longer eat at Denny's for lessor of an infraction. As we looked around and saw that a smaller table of diners next to us were already being served drinks (it appears their order had been taken during the commotion of hugging and picture taking), I was taking note of the multiple faces of distress at our long line of tables.

Finally, one of the cousins went to find a manager to request a waitress, and within 15 minutes, we were having our orders taken.

Again, a few things to keep in mind as you read this: The place was packed, it is brand new, and we had a large group. But, I had already made up my mind that I would never set foot in the place again until it had reverted back to Bonanza or at least Bandana!Good food has a way of fixing bad service. I'll skip the further service related breakdowns involving the fact that we didn't receive any forks, napkins or our drinks until long after we had received our food (and at the insistence of several vocal personalities at our table), and just tell you that the food was superb!

Within our group, some people had plates with rice & beans and fajitas, others had soup, a few had gorditas or chulupas, and I had the Carne Guisda with cheese and also chorizo and egg tacos. The size of the tacos and the quality of the contents made for a great value. By all means, order light as most of the people at our table required take-out boxes.I would say that Taco Martinez would probably be a good "to-go" place initially until they get the staff up to speed, but make no mistake, the food was outstanding. Not a single person in our party complained once we were stuffing our faces. It was as if the previous hour of waiting for things to come together had been forgotten.

I'm a sucker for good hand made flour tortillas. Taco Martinez gets 3.5 Tasty Treats for the food and a big fat zero for service. But, again, don't let our experience with a large party during the opening week stop you from giving them a try. I will go back, but it won't be with more than 4 or 5 people at a time.