TV Report: The Cleto Rodriguez Show...

Those of you not living in San Antonio are automatically excluded from the chance to set your DVR's for the local Fox station, 11:30PM, Sunday nights. The rest of you, go ahead, do your San Antonio duty and record The Cleto Show. Not because you will want to watch it, but because I'm sure it will somehow turn into a localized drinking game. And you wouldn't want to miss that.

I think it was last Friday when I was driving to work and had the radio tuned into the Big 99, listening to John Lisle get really upset during an interview with Cleto and his sidekick Jesus (really Tommy, but the show required him to use the name Jesus). Cleto and Jesus were talking up the big new show with lots of giggles and forced belly laughs as Lisle tried to ask some serious question about whether or not Eva Longoria Parker was somehow actually involved in the venture. They seemed squeamish in their response. But, as we found out last night, in the same way actress Sandra Bullock took on the benefactor role for the George Lopez Show, Tony Parker's wife has added her name to Cleto as Executive Producer. It must be nice to have disposable income.

We want so much to love, no, even like this show. It is based on life in San Antonio and of course, lots of local shots of the city. They even were able to slip in a reference to the much hated, but appropriate reference to our city, Fat Antonio.

Oh, did I mention that Cleto is a man of my size - meaning he could stand to lose 50 pounds if he knew what was good for him - and his cohort Jesus (played by Tommy) is clearly, morbidly obese. This isn't a slam on fat people, it really is typical of San Antonio and I liked that about the show.

The show has these two guys discussing the concept for the Cleto Show with some slender Hollywood type. He tells them they both need to lose some weight. So for the next few minutes, we see YouTube quality video of two fat guys trying to do pull-ups, run, and stretch. Oh, and we even have a flashback scene to school when the young Cleto, a portly 5th grader or so, is taunted by his coach to do a single chin-up. He can't (of course, the little kid weighs-in at an easy buck-fifty in the 5th grade) and the kids around him laugh. All the kids except of course his, back then, tall and slender friend Jesus (played by Tommy).

The show goes into a commercial break and for no apparent reason or any relation to the episode, comes back in a brief concert by Los Lobos performing in Austin. WTF? No, really; WTF?

Next, we find Cleto on stage at a comedy club attempting one liners. When he looks into the crowd, there is no crowd. Instead, he is heckled by an old lady calling him Panson. He tries to tell another joke and some other lady heckles him. After a third joke, it is his gym coach heckling him.

We then are taken back to the playground where Jesus (played by Tommy) whispers in his ear "Confidence". Well let me just point out that, though not a sponsor for the show, Cavender Cadillac got a good free plug. Anyone in San Antonio knows that the Cavender family uses Cavender is Confidence as their tag line, and honestly, I kept expecting Billy Cavender with his big handlebar mustache to show-up in an Escalade. Instead, Jesus (played by Tommy) whispered "Confidence" as he helped Cleto hoist himself up for a complete chin-up.

Next thing you know, Cleto is out at Woodlawn Lake running laps and jumping over people who all give him the thumbs up and shout, "We love your show Cleto." Aside from the time travel problem, the whole thing is just creepy. Let's hope all of those people were relatives, and none of them were paid. Otherwise, Mrs Parker might need to see receipts.

At the end of Cleto's big run around the lake, he ends up on top of some famous hill in San Antonio (the street name escapes me) where we see a really nice view of the city skyline. It is nice. Jesus (played by Tommy) drapes a City of San Antonio flag (yes, we do have an official flag for the City of San Antonio) and in Rocky Balboa style, Cleto raises his sweaty arms in victory.

In the following scene, Cleto and Jesus (you know, Tommy) are back in the office of the Hollywood slim guy and Cleto demands to do the show on his terms and chides him never to call San Antonio "Fat Antonio" again.

And of course, the final scene has Cleto and Tommy (or was it Jesus) stuffing their fat faces with beautiful enchiladas, tacos, rice and beans from La Fonda.

Okay, the last scene made me hungry. Aside from that, the show has no redeeming qualities at all.

In the same way that Seinfeld (hmmm, and why does Seinfeld seem so familiar?) shows outdoor scenes of NYC between scenes, Cleto shows various shots of the River Walk and the downtown area. Only apparently, Mrs. Parker only sprung for the home video version, because they look really cheesy and low quality. Honestly, could we have not purchased some stock footage from the NBA? Whenever there is a national Spurs game on TV, they have really awesome quality shots of the city and the river walk.

I plan to continue taping the show in hopes that within a few weeks, I can write a follow-up telling you that the show has gotten better. But in a way, I can now appreciate why John Lisle was so upset with these two jackasses. He had seen the Pilot and knew just how bad it really was. Hopefully, it will transform into a talk show and not the little skit we saw Sunday night.

Did you see it? Are you Cleto, Googling for reviews? Tell me what you thought of the show or leave a comment here.

Morality Report: Indecent in 78250?

Disclaimer:
I won't cuss, but a at least two of the pictures I'm going to post here contain potentially objectionable material. One picture contains a bumper sticker that includes a foul word (Fuck) and the other contains a picture of a penis drawn on the back of a person's vehicle window. The penis is not well drawn, but it is clear to most observers that it is in fact intended to be a penis.

If you are offended by either of these things, you should not read further, as the pictures I have described and will post below may offend you.

Likewise, if you are offended by a building that has a sign on the outside that says "Boobie Rock", even though I won't be posting a picture of the building or the sign, you may wish to move along because I have a paragraph or two which will discuss said building.

I am not normally driven to get beyond restaurant reviews, day trips or discussions of funny things I saw at the HEB, but I hope you can indulge me for just a moment as I bring up something that has bothered me recently. I promise, I will try to be sensitive in my descriptions of things I have seen in public.

In recent weeks, there has been discussion amongst the San Antonio city council and specifically, with the council lady from District 8 named Diane Cibrian about a business trying to open up on I-10 at Huebner in a building formerly occupied by a club called Hooligans. Her concern is no doubt for the children of the community who might ride their bikes along the highway and be offended by a building facade. Heaven forbid one of these children was hit by an 18-wheeler doing 70 MPH. But they might live to walk amongst the rest of us at a mall where they would see the open displays of Victoria's Secret or worse, Lane Bryant.

I would have let this go because people far smarter and wittier than I can come up with a million points as to why this whole idea is so ridiculous. Forget the fact that on the opposite side of I-10 is All Stars, another Gentleman's club that has operated without apparent concern by children on bicycles for years.

But for the last several months, San Antonio has been adorned with some billboards for a morning radio show called Lisle and Hahn. These two guys have owned the number one spot on radio for the most part, for as long as I have lived in SA, though I haven't always listened to them.

Frankly, during the years that I drove my kids to school, I didn't want to have to explain any potential double entendres that might come from Lisle and Hahn or back then, Drex, so our drive consisted of wholesome news reports and Viagra commercials from WOAI and KTSA. But like many parents my age, as soon as the kids were safely in school, I was back on the FM band listening to those heathens give commentary of the latest events.

Some people have written letters and complained about this latest billboard, showing John Lisle and Steve Hahn on their knees, next to the legs and boots of some gal with a headline: 15 Years of Morning Domination. The writers claim that they have to explain to their kids why the two bad men are on their knees or why a lady would be wearing boots. Seriously.

I took the picture for the clouds, but you can click on it to see what I'm talking about.

To the point: I am honestly having a hard time following these busy-bodies who seem to go out of their way to be offended by things that they think their kids will be offended by. My kids survived years of rides to school listening to "conservative talk radio" advertisements for the aforementioned boner medicine, and worse, something called Enzyte advertised by a guy named Bob who seemed to be happy all the time. They never questioned me about it nor, as far as I know, tried to purchase any of it, just because it was being pushed by "conservative talk radio".

If you are driving down I-10 at 70 MPH, do you honestly think your kid will notice the Boobie Rock building any more or less than the pre-exisiting All Stars building? And if his or her frame of reference that "Boobie" is a naughty word, who do you suppose should be to blame? You? Talk radio?

So yesterday, I drove my son to the airport and as we exited onto Airport Blvd, I pulled in behind this fashionable family vehicle. I'm sorry, I didn't have my council-person's number, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I took a picture of what I saw. I never said a word. When my son realized what I was taking a picture of, he seemed to giggle under his breath, but not so much at what I was taking a picture of, but the fact that his immature 43 year old father found it humorous.And on my way home from the airport, I was driving north on Bandera Road - yes, even the people of Leon Valley are subject to harsh words - and I spotted this little display.
It wasn't the Lisle and Hahn bumper sticker that caught my eye as much as the sticker above it. Should we outlaw tow trucks too, or simply re-zone them off the highway?

The fact is, you can boycott and complain and get upset all you want over things you find offensive, and I say, good for you. But in the end, after you have made an ass of yourself over really insignificant things, some idiot is going to offend you even more with his bumper sticker or his radio commercial.

I'll take a Boobie Rock building that I don't have to ever step foot into over a Viva Viagra TV commercial any day of the week.

Ms. Cibrian: Get a life.

Public Service Report: Timber Path Floods Sometimes...

Oh, who am I kidding? Timber Path Road in between Grissom and Old Grissom floods every time it rains more than a lifeguard drinking beer at a Luau pisses.

So last night as we watched the Jay Leno expose on Senator Larry Craig's tap dance in the men's room and simultaneously enjoyed the rain covering our lawn and filling the aquifer, I knew there would be a good reason to leave a few minutes early for work today.

So, I pull onto Timber Path on the off chance that it might be open, but sure enough, the barricades were up. So, I turn onto Grissom to go towards Culebra.

Now for those of you reading this, that have no idea what I am talking about, please allow me a moment to explain.

There are close to a bazillion people trying to get out of the neighborhoods that make up the Great Northwest and several other communities. On a normal day, this is done by taking various back streets and short cuts and such. The goal is to get to either Bandera Road to our east, Loop 410 to the south, or perhaps Highway 151 via Westover Hills Blvd. But, when it rains, all the shortcuts are basically blocked and you have to use Culebra Road to make the exit. This triples the amount of traffic at the intersection of Culebra, 471, Grissom and Tezel

The traffic lights don't recognize the change.

Okay. So here is my public service announcement: Please understand that everyone is trying to get to work in a safe and courteous manner. Everyone knows that the traffic has tripled. Nobody is amused by anyone trying to be an inconsiderate sphincter by simply bypassing the the half-mile long line in the turning lane so you can force your way into the turn at the last minute. Having a fuel efficient car does not help your case.

Case in point. As I waited through 7 cycles of the traffic light at Culebra/Grissom/Tezel/471 (don't get me started with street naming conventions), I calmly and nicely listened to re-runs of Lisle and Hahn. As I made it to within a thousand feet of the actual intersection, an inconsiderate asshat (that's Internet lingo) in a white VW felt that it was more important for the rest of us to wait, so he or she could simply bypass the ten minute long wait, and cut in front.

People, this is how road-rage gets started. You think your time is more important than my time.

Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate if you didn't know, and hey, someone is nice and lets you in as a courtesy, that's fine. But in the case of this VW, they actually stopped the flow of traffic in the non-turning lane so they could force their way into the turning lane, ahead of all the people who had respectfully waited their turn.

I've got news for you buddy: My van already has a tiny scratch on the front passenger side fender where my wife scraped a pole. It needs to get fixed sooner or later and I don't mind your insurance company paying for it.

So, long story short - VW didn't get into the turning lane on my watch. And I'm pretty sure it may have taken a while with all the other pissed off people behind me watching these inappropriate and inconsiderate antics.

Play nice out there and by all means, turn around, don't drown.