Lunch Report: Cheesy Janes...

Not long after our visit to Bobby J's over in Helotes, and still sensitive to our split decision, my wife and I opted to try another burger place and see if we could agree on the taste, quality and above all, appearance of the food. We were tempted by a coupon that had been stuck to our refrigerator for at least a week or two, and finally decided to try the Cheesy Jane's over on Bandera at 1604. I should tell you that we ate at and enjoyed the one up by Stone Oak a few years ago, but just never found the need to go again.

For me, the atmosphere of the place is pretty wide open and warehouse like. A series of tables and booths, you have the old diner style grill area in the back and just a few decorations. I think they are going for the Happy Days burger joint without the associated girls on skates and regular appearances by Arthur Fonzarelli. I confess, I'm more of a Chili's or Clear Springs, and yes, even Bobby J's atmosphere sorta guy simply because I like looking at the things on the walls. Cheesy Jane's does have a train track hanging from the ceiling that goes around in circles with advertisements on it. But we came in for a burger, not entertainment! The menu does show a Chili Burger, but my wife opted instead to try a regular half-pound burger with cheddar cheese, and all the regular fixin's minus onions. She then added bacon and some guacamole. When our plates arrived, I suddenly had burger-envy. I opted to try something called the Pecos Burger. It is a half-pound of excellent meat, cheddar cheese, BBQ sauce and covered with something called splinters, which are fried onions and jalapeños. It came with a side of ranch, so I poured that on for good measure!

We both enjoyed the buns (slighty toasted) and the great tastes of the burgers. The little jalapeños on my Pecos Burger were not hot at all, but simply added a different taste, so if you are afraid of hot stuff, worry not. Our server kept my iced tea filled and we especially enjoyed that the manager or head cook or whoever he was, brought the meals out to each diner just to make sure everything was alright. Great service and pretty quick.Our only disappointment was with the onion rings. We got the regular order (enough for two people, easily), and they were the perfect texture. Not over cooked and not too crisp. I'm an onion ring snob I suppose, and if I recall from our first trip to the Cheesy Jane's in Stone Oak, the onion rings did not have the same unique taste these did. In spite of their good appearance and texture, the breading had some sort of awkward aftertaste to them. At first, I thought it was the taste of a corn tortilla. Surely, that wasn't what they were going for. In the end, we decided they simply need to change the oil. It wasn't enough to ruin our visit, so when you go, feel free to order them and let me know if you get the same corny taste we got.Apparently, if you order a full one-pound burger and finish it, they take your picture and post it on the wall with your comments on the card. Before leaving, we stood there and read a lot of them - pretty funny stuff. I'm thinking on a day when I'm really hungry, I might just put on the ol' eatin' pants and give the one-pounder a try. But even if you aren't all that hungry, Cheesy Jane's has a burger right for you at a fair price, good service and something my wife and I can agree on. It is a Tasty Treat and get's my wife's Eeee-Yum seal of approval.

Dinner Report: Clear Springs...

I may have to interrupt this dinner report with a quick session of purging if only to allow my stomach to fit conveniently below the computer desk. With that bit of appetizing information, I will now tell you of bar none, the best catfish ever.

Years ago, my late grandparents along with my parents came from Florida for a visit to San Antonio. They stayed at some forgettable time-share place out at Canyon Lake, and during that trip, my grandfather had inquired as to the availability of catfish in the area. Thankfully, the store clerk he had asked had advised him to skip all the local Canyon Lake area eateries, and head directly to Clear Springs Restaurant on Highway 46 between New Braunfels and Seguin. The next day, we made the trip and it was a thing of beauty.

As we all went around the table ordering up the various plates with sides and such, when the waiter got to Boppa as we called him, he asked for a pound of catfish and nothing else to interfere with it. I'm guessing he was about 80 at the time and between sips from a draft beer, he promptly consumed that full pound of catfish and barely did more than eat and smile during the meal.

That was back in the mid-90's and both Meemo and Boppa are gone, but I get a warm feeling when I think about catfish and I have a special fondness for Clear Springs. When they opened new restaurants here in San Antonio (one at Afton Oaks and the other over off of Bandera Road which closed soon after), I thought it would be so wonderful, but I have to be honest, I like the feel of the original on Highway 46.

Okay, so on to tonight. Eating lunch - any lunch today was a mistake; wolfing down half a muffeletta was plain silly. I might have been better off fasting for a week or so. Nevertheless, we had plans to take my son and his girlfriend out for an early birthday dinner and he decided he wanted Clear Springs. The one issue I have with the Afton Oaks location is the location. Those of you who live in Stone Oak or the greater 1604 - 281 nightmare, I just don't know how you stand the traffic.When you arrive at the Afton Oaks Clear Springs, you are taken away from the traffic and road rage, and welcomed into a quiet, down home atmosphere with lots of trees and a porch reminiscent of an old country home. Once inside, they mix the look of your standard Chili's full of old stuff mounted on the walls and ceiling beams with the atmosphere of a hunting lodge. Add in a huge bar and it is time for a cold beer and a hot serving of onion rings.Unless you have a group of 5 or 6, the small order of onion rings are plenty. Trust me on this. My wife and I are pretty particular about onion rings and onion blossoms and such. The trick with these is, dip them in Clear Springs creamy tarter sauce. You simply can't go wrong. Or eat them plain. You still can't go wrong.

I had this idea that I would just order up a small plate or maybe even share a plate with my wife. But once I started seeing the plates come out for the people seated around us, it was clear that I had to go with the Fisherman's Platter. You get both catfish and shrimp. And these aren't the tiny little shrimp that resemble sea monkeys, I'm talking good sized shrimp breaded and fried.My wife went with just the shrimp (she can't bare to eat catfish, what with it being a bottom feeder, but she is cool with the shrimp).

Some how they have it timed so just as you take that last bite of onion ring, the food comes sizzling out to your table. The standard sides are fries, Cole slaw and ranch style beans, but I substituted some green beans with mine. They also serve up some tiny little hush puppies that come equipped with little chunks of jalapeño pepper in them.

The most important thing you need to know is that the breading on the catfish (and the shrimp and the onion rings) is not some sort of overpowering super seasoned mixture. Far from bland, it simply gives you a surface for which to hold the aforementioned creamy, heaven-like tarter sauce on. One of my huge complaints about some catfish I have had is that it is so crispy and crunch that you feel like it is work to eat. I try not to over use this phrase, but I mean it when I say that your catfish will simply melt in your mouth, and regardless of what you had for lunch, you will simply consume it all and consider getting a pound to go.

Another thing to consider when dining is the wait staff or lack there of. At Clear Springs, they know they have a crowd coming for dinner and they have the wait staff to handle it.

I will tell you this, you pay for what you get. The Fisherman's Platter is $12 or $13, but well worth it. For those of you not down with the seafood, you can still go and enjoy burgers or steaks or chicken, though in all the times we have been, I couldn't tell you what any of it tastes like. Clear Springs always has and always will be a Tasty Treat in my book. And, they have a nice beaver.Oh, and apparently, Colon is Good.

Strange in 78250: Who Needs a Mega-Church?

Here in 78250, we don't require one of those big ol' mega-church deals like they got up in Stone Oak. Nope, no need for off-duty police to direct traffic as we get an earful of fire and brimstone.

In fact, we don't have to even park and get out of the car. We got our own street corner preacher who can yell at you to repent if you happen to slip through the light just after it turns red.

This guy may not live in The Dominion, but I can tell you this, he is good at what he does.

I've seen him preach here from time to time. He doesn't seem to take donations (hence, the lack of the Hagee-like Dominion domicile), but he is always quick with a smile. Some people who need a good saving will get quite a crazed stare from him.

Strange how he seems to know...

Crappy Job Report: The Time I got Poop in my Eye...

The other day while my wife and I traveled through some of the older parts of town to avoid contact with the construction on Loop 410, I was reminded of a brief period that I was working with my brother-in-law while waiting for details of my current contract to be worked out.

I'm not in the construction trade, but what guy would pass up the opportunity to be like Bob Vila for a few weeks while making a few dollars? If you are familiar with the neighborhoods in between IH-10 and Loop 410 between Vance-Jackson and West Avenue, you get the idea of where I am talking about.

My brother-in-law, Junior as we call him, works in the trades business. He is certainly a jack of all trades and can do electrical, plumbing, general construction, and he has also done repair of restaurant equipment and other things. This is no free advertisement or anything - so please don't e-mail me asking to see if I can get you a good rate. During the time of this story, we had been working to refurbish several rental properties around the city and had a few different property managers and Realtors that would call us for bids.

So anyway, he calls me and asks me if I can go look at a property to help him assess the situation. He says that this Realtor has a property that was vacated by the renters and that the house needs to be cleaned up. Now keep in mind, you all know that when people leave a rental property, they usually just un-ass, take the stuff they want and leave the rest. The result is, the landlord is stuck with hauling out the trash, getting rid of a dead couch and cleaning things up. A few guys and a pick-up truck can usually clear out a house in no time.

The Realtor said that “Before you make your bid, you really need to go look at the place.” Junior was pretty adamant that he could get the job done for less than $500.00. The Realtor again said, “No, you need to see the place”.

You have no doubt heard of cat ladies that have 68 cats living in a house, crapping everywhere, newspapers piled up, opened cans of cat food sitting all over the place. This was worse. No cats.

The people who lived in the house were no doubt sick.

When I first peered through the window, I though I might be in beer drinker’s heaven. It was this experience which taught me to take my camera with me everywhere I go. If I had the camera to take pictures, you might find it easier to believe this.

This 3 bedroom, 2-bath house was a sea of beer cans and trash piled 2 feet high. But, they had small paths leading to strategic locations like the refrigerator, the bathroom, and the front door. I refused to enter the house for fear of rats. The beer cans and the 18-pack cardboard cases were left in place as if the occupants had simply arranged to have a non-stop supply of beer delivered, and that they sat there and drank one beer, dropped the can and opened the next. When the first case was finished, they simply opened the next and so on and so on until their was an 1,800 square foot house full of beer cans, pizza boxes, dirty laundry, discarded tissues and so on.

Oh, the bathrooms were a hoot. And yes, beer cans in the bathrooms. The walls of the shower stall and the tub were covered in mold. And for some reason, they stopped putting the toilet paper in the toilet – they just wiped their butts and threw the toilet paper on the floor. Perhaps they had visited Mexico and decided to be exotic or something.

So, long story short, Junior had to hire some other workers he found to clear out the entire house. In addition to $650.00, he told them they could take anything that wasn’t nailed down that they wanted (nice side by side refrigerator at Best Buy - $1,200 – the mold encased version, free). These guys came in with gloves, masks, shovels and a huge truck and cleared the place in a matter of hours.

You can empty the contents, but you can’t empty the filth. That’s when I showed up with a power washer. Bob Vila would never recommend using a power washer inside a house on solid wood floors and sheetrock. I march to the beat of a different drummer I suppose.

The worst part was when I aimed the power washer at one of the toilets.

Big mistake.

Apparently, when they decided that the toilet was running too much, they decided to turn off the water supply to it. Well, apparently, that didn’t stop someone from taking a dump in it. By the time I got there with my power washer, the poop in the pot had dried. Dried feces and 2300 psi from the power washer equals a whole new game of foul smelling doo-doo flying back at you.

Thank God I have fast reflexes. But I could not dodge the smell. I literally threw up on the spot.

I ran out of the house and threw up in the yard. I waited a few minutes to regain my composure and decided to go in for another whiff. I threw up again.

In the end, I had to hold my breath long enough to get a hose through the bathroom window into the toilet so I could try to clear things up. I let the hose run full blast for 15 minutes before it cleared the funk from the bathroom. Oh, it was a total of 4 times that I threw up.

Okay, three days later, the house was clean and the real estate lady did not even recognize the place. She was in shock. Turns out, it was her house and she had been letting her daughter and her family live there, and the reason the house was vacated was that she had moved them into a new house she bought in a nicer neighborhood.

Attention residents of Stone Oak: Your new neighbor is Joe Dirt!