HEB Plus Report: He Man Women Haters...

My wife and I made an abbreviated trip to the HEB Plus on Potranco this morning and during the course of our little shopping trip, I was provided with a little bit of insight from an attractive Cowboys fan.

I have said it before and the fact remains, I have the worst luck when it comes to choosing lanes. This could be while driving, while going through a bank drive-thru, or as is mostly the case, while selecting the perfect line to check-out at the HEB. Today was no different.

As we finished up our shopping, my wife went over to Spoonz, the grill at HEB Plus to grab us a few malts to hold us over until we could get some real food later this afternoon. I decided to go ahead and get in line to pay for the groceries. We both figured that by the time the malts were made, I'd be through the check-out, and we would meet out in the parking lot.

But, my normal luck kicked in and there were three lanes all in a row, where it looked as though the groceries had been rung up and ready to go in the basket. I suppose I could have gone further down and looked for even shorter waits, but with three all so clo9se to being ready, it was literally a coin-toss or rock-paper-scissors moment. I opted for the first one and eagerly unpacked my shopping cart. About the time I had the 35-pack of water on the little conveyor belt, it occurred to me that there was no customer standing in front of me, just her groceries. My gut reaction was to simply load all my items back into the basket and move along to another lane. But just then, a nice lady squeezed herself between me, my basket and the shelves and began a discussion about coupons and chicken prices and the like.

Did I mention that my initial gut reaction was to gather up my stuff and move along?

So, I have been told by many people that I have more patience than the average person. Life is too short, ya know? But there is another thing that sort of bubbles under the surface sometimes. I often have the urge to blurt out (Cover your ears, kids) "For F**K's Sake!" at the top of my lungs, but I rarely actually do it.

Instead, I had this urge to offer to pay the difference of whatever coupon was in dispute or even offer to have the cashier put the nice lady's entire package of chicken on my bill. But, before I could make such a fine gesture, a manager came up to the register to help with the dilemma. Again, I thought, maybe this thing was over but sure enough, the kind lady in front of me found some other issue requiring mediation.Just as I was beginning to wonder if perhaps the HEB Plus had a shotgun section, a very attractive Dallas Cowboys fan strolled up behind me and threw down some fajitas, tortillas and a few other odds and ends on the conveyor behind my stuff. She struggled with the little item separator thing because they always seem to be stuck, so I reached over and ripped it away from where it was lodged under the magazine rack above. I told her this was a poor design.

So I usually don't strike up conversations with people in HEB; that's more of my wife's thing, but I thought it only fair that I warn her about the lane she had chosen. I looked at her directly into the eyes because I was somewhat worried that if I allowed my gaze to notice the huge Cowboy's star on her shirt, she'd think I was a creep, or more importantly, my wife would walk up just at that moment. So, I quietly told this lady that she might want to pick a different lane because the little transaction in front of me had been going on for at least 10 minutes now.

The Cowboy's fan just looked at me and her jaw dropped. She said, "This is exactly why men hate women!" Then, she went on with a very expletive laced rant about how the lady "is probably making a big deal out of 14 cents worth of difference" and wasn't she aware that today is NFL day and so on. I liked this woman but I was afraid that some fisticuffs might ensue and my wife wouldn't be around to keep me out of the fray.

Just then, the Cowboy fan's "friend" showed up with some beer and tossed it onto the conveyor belt. She too was prepared for the game though and now, the original Cowboy fan was giving her a blow by blow account of how this lady in front of us was the reason men hated women.

Thankfully, if the lady who had caused the NFL Day Delay, had heard any of the profanity laced discussion behind her, she was smart enough to ignore it.

By the time I got through the checkout and out to the front of HEB, my wife was walking around looking for me thinking that I must have gotten lost. As we loaded groceries into the van, I got her to stare out toward the direction of the HEB exit so I could point out all the different people involved in the incident.

Never a dull moment.