TV Report: The Cleto Rodriguez Show...

Those of you not living in San Antonio are automatically excluded from the chance to set your DVR's for the local Fox station, 11:30PM, Sunday nights. The rest of you, go ahead, do your San Antonio duty and record The Cleto Show. Not because you will want to watch it, but because I'm sure it will somehow turn into a localized drinking game. And you wouldn't want to miss that.

I think it was last Friday when I was driving to work and had the radio tuned into the Big 99, listening to John Lisle get really upset during an interview with Cleto and his sidekick Jesus (really Tommy, but the show required him to use the name Jesus). Cleto and Jesus were talking up the big new show with lots of giggles and forced belly laughs as Lisle tried to ask some serious question about whether or not Eva Longoria Parker was somehow actually involved in the venture. They seemed squeamish in their response. But, as we found out last night, in the same way actress Sandra Bullock took on the benefactor role for the George Lopez Show, Tony Parker's wife has added her name to Cleto as Executive Producer. It must be nice to have disposable income.

We want so much to love, no, even like this show. It is based on life in San Antonio and of course, lots of local shots of the city. They even were able to slip in a reference to the much hated, but appropriate reference to our city, Fat Antonio.

Oh, did I mention that Cleto is a man of my size - meaning he could stand to lose 50 pounds if he knew what was good for him - and his cohort Jesus (played by Tommy) is clearly, morbidly obese. This isn't a slam on fat people, it really is typical of San Antonio and I liked that about the show.

The show has these two guys discussing the concept for the Cleto Show with some slender Hollywood type. He tells them they both need to lose some weight. So for the next few minutes, we see YouTube quality video of two fat guys trying to do pull-ups, run, and stretch. Oh, and we even have a flashback scene to school when the young Cleto, a portly 5th grader or so, is taunted by his coach to do a single chin-up. He can't (of course, the little kid weighs-in at an easy buck-fifty in the 5th grade) and the kids around him laugh. All the kids except of course his, back then, tall and slender friend Jesus (played by Tommy).

The show goes into a commercial break and for no apparent reason or any relation to the episode, comes back in a brief concert by Los Lobos performing in Austin. WTF? No, really; WTF?

Next, we find Cleto on stage at a comedy club attempting one liners. When he looks into the crowd, there is no crowd. Instead, he is heckled by an old lady calling him Panson. He tries to tell another joke and some other lady heckles him. After a third joke, it is his gym coach heckling him.

We then are taken back to the playground where Jesus (played by Tommy) whispers in his ear "Confidence". Well let me just point out that, though not a sponsor for the show, Cavender Cadillac got a good free plug. Anyone in San Antonio knows that the Cavender family uses Cavender is Confidence as their tag line, and honestly, I kept expecting Billy Cavender with his big handlebar mustache to show-up in an Escalade. Instead, Jesus (played by Tommy) whispered "Confidence" as he helped Cleto hoist himself up for a complete chin-up.

Next thing you know, Cleto is out at Woodlawn Lake running laps and jumping over people who all give him the thumbs up and shout, "We love your show Cleto." Aside from the time travel problem, the whole thing is just creepy. Let's hope all of those people were relatives, and none of them were paid. Otherwise, Mrs Parker might need to see receipts.

At the end of Cleto's big run around the lake, he ends up on top of some famous hill in San Antonio (the street name escapes me) where we see a really nice view of the city skyline. It is nice. Jesus (played by Tommy) drapes a City of San Antonio flag (yes, we do have an official flag for the City of San Antonio) and in Rocky Balboa style, Cleto raises his sweaty arms in victory.

In the following scene, Cleto and Jesus (you know, Tommy) are back in the office of the Hollywood slim guy and Cleto demands to do the show on his terms and chides him never to call San Antonio "Fat Antonio" again.

And of course, the final scene has Cleto and Tommy (or was it Jesus) stuffing their fat faces with beautiful enchiladas, tacos, rice and beans from La Fonda.

Okay, the last scene made me hungry. Aside from that, the show has no redeeming qualities at all.

In the same way that Seinfeld (hmmm, and why does Seinfeld seem so familiar?) shows outdoor scenes of NYC between scenes, Cleto shows various shots of the River Walk and the downtown area. Only apparently, Mrs. Parker only sprung for the home video version, because they look really cheesy and low quality. Honestly, could we have not purchased some stock footage from the NBA? Whenever there is a national Spurs game on TV, they have really awesome quality shots of the city and the river walk.

I plan to continue taping the show in hopes that within a few weeks, I can write a follow-up telling you that the show has gotten better. But in a way, I can now appreciate why John Lisle was so upset with these two jackasses. He had seen the Pilot and knew just how bad it really was. Hopefully, it will transform into a talk show and not the little skit we saw Sunday night.

Did you see it? Are you Cleto, Googling for reviews? Tell me what you thought of the show or leave a comment here.

NFL on Fox Report: KABB and Name Calling...

Through a series of perfectly explainable events, I had come to believe that today, I was going to have the chance to see my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers play live on national TV via the Fox network and local affiliate KABB-29 against the Super Bowl champion Indy Colts, coached by my favorite coach in any sport, Tony Dungy.

How could I make such a mistake? Well, last week there was some promos for it, then when checking online through the MySA.com Express-News listings, it showed the game. So, when I remotely logged into my DVR via the internet to record the game in HD, I was shocked to find out that instead of the football game, KABB was showing a movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I went back to the web listing I found earlier on MySA.com, it was linked to a national listing. When I entered the Zip Code, sure enough; no game.

So, I did what any normal person would do. I sent the following e-mail to KABB and to the folks at Maximum Sports:

Nationally, Fox is carrying the Bucs-Colts football game this afternoon. KABB is playing, "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers".

Are you people communists? Immediately turn in your Man cards, all of you. Even the women.

Unbelievable.

Not long after, I received a series of e-mails from the various members of the Maximum Sports crew, including Chuck Miketinac, Hector Ledesma and Drea Avent. They were all sympathetic to my plight, but explained that the rules between the NFL and the networks are the reason they can't show the Bucs-Colts game. Only one network can show a double-header - and this week, CBS had two games. So, they had to choose between a game that would impact the Cowboys (the one they showed) or the game I wanted to watch. I lost out on that.

But, they were all nice to me in their responses so I replied back authorizing them the return of Man Cards and such. Though, Drea is too pretty to carry one. But I did assure her that I did not think she was a Commie either.

So, the moral of the story is this: KABB isn't the bad guy here; the NFL is the bad guy. So down with the NFL! Booo!!!

And go ahead and watch Maximum Sports tonight so we can at least see the highlights of the Bucs-Colts game.