Perhaps Miss Manners Can Help...

This might be a delicate topic for some but in general, I tend to snicker when exposed (preferably via television or movies) to flatulence. It is certainly less fun in person, but even then, I have been known to giggle like a 12 year old - just ask my wife.

But what happens when you are in a place where it would simply be inappropriate to respond in such a childish manner? This very thing happened to me a few days ago. I was out at Lackland picking up a prescription at the satellite pharmacy. For those of you not in the know, retired military folks can call in prescription refills to a pharmacy and then go stand in line with all the other old retired folks and pick up the prescriptions. I know, sounds fun. But it beats going to Walgreen's and finishing the process with a trip to the cash register.

Anyway, I stopped in after work and the line was pretty long - about 15 people in front of me. The place is small, so they use one of those cattle herding systems to keep everyone in place, not unlike what you might see at Disney or Fiesta Texas.

I had made it to about midway into this little maze when suddenly, the smell of sulfur hit. There was no audible trace to give a clue as to which blue-hair may have been responsible for the situation, but I knew it was somebody close by.

I immediately suspected the older gentleman in front of me. I caught a glimpse of a guilty smile and the crows feet around his eyes seemed to expand a bit as he kept from breaking out into a full laugh. But just to be sure, I looked for other suspects and probably any of the other people in line could have been responsible.

We moved forward in line as another patron had received their garbage bag full of medicines and once again, somebody really just lit the place up. I mean, at this point, it would have been reasonable for anyone to pull the fire alarm. And once again, the first suspect I had in mind was visibly forcing himself not to giggle. Oh sure, had it not been for the rancid odor, I would have simply busted out laughing, but honestly, somebody was in real distress. I fully expected an ambulance to arrive or at minimum, the hazardous materials unit.

I looked away from the older man and turned to look behind me. That was when I saw the 4 foot tall granny peering above her cat lady glasses and giving me the dirtiest look ever. What the hell? This lady had me bagged for the culprit. Oh sure, always blame the fat guy.

So I guess the question for Miss Manners would be, how do you defend yourself from being tagged as the guilty party in a situation like this? I mean, do you just step right up and announce boldly, "Alright, I don't know who shit the bed, but you need to have your prescriptions checked for compatibility."? Or would that approach seem to lead to the old rule, "The finder is the fox." (also sometimes known as, "He who smelt it, dealt it.")?

Is it impolite to acknowledge gas in public? I just don't know, but I'm thinking about looking into one of those mail-order prescription services.