HEB Plus Report: Madhouse...

What the hell! Apparently, for some inexplicable reason, everyone decided to go to HEB Plus at the same time my wife and I have historically attended each and every Sunday for the past year or so since it opened on Potranco and 1604. What a bunch of inconsiderate copy cats.

And don't even get me started on how freakin' freezing cold it is out there. On our way to the store, the radio guy said that we had already reached the high temperature of 46 degrees, and that was it; nothing but down hill from there. Hello? It isn't even winter yet, or is it? Anyway, thankfully we are supposed to be back up to 70 or so on Christmas Eve, so at least we won't have to keep the heater on. Two words: Brrrr!

Oh, I should mention that I am horribly ill and yesterday morning, I think the record should clearly show, my wife attempted to kill me by giving me a little something that she promised would make my throat feel better. I'm pretty sure that's what the hangman said as he tightened the noose around the neck of some poor guy on death row.

I have this really terrible scratchy and dry throat that really makes me want to throw-up after one or two good coughs. So my wife says, Here, take this little pill and suck on it for a little while before swallowing it. Then, she leaves the room and if my ears hadn't been ringing so bad, I might have been able to hear her giggling as she left. So, I begin to swirl this little thing called Tessalon or something equally evil sounding, on my tongue and really, it had no taste until about thirty seconds later it sort of exploded in my throat with a really, really horrid taste. Then I swallowed it and my throat began to tighten. I grabbed for a water but I think my throat was too numb and too tight to even swallow.

That was when I began to hyperventilate. Hey, choking is not for the feint of heart. I jumped up to the bathroom to see if I might projectile vomit the stuff from my throat but then it really hit me that I could not breath well enough to give myself the Heimlich maneuver, so I should just relax and try not to breath so hard. After a few minutes, I was able to brush my teeth and strangely enough, my throat felt pretty good.

So this morning when I woke up even sicker than I was yesterday, my wife wanted me to try the same little pill and I rejected the offer completely. Instead, I got up, had some coffee then promptly fell asleep on the recliner watching DVR'd episodes of Monk until about noon.

It was only later that I was able to make our scheduled appointment at HEB Plus, and even, I was forced to do something I never do, and that is open up stuff before I purchase it. But my throat was so dry and sore I had to break into the bag of Ricola cough drops and a box of Kleenex.What was my wife doing during all this? Samples. I rest my case.

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Did I mention it was cold?This freak decides to put on some sort of snow suit and walk around the store yelling about how Co Co Cooold it is. Look at the little kid just staring at the guy.Now, the freak sees me with my camera and he gives me a look like he would prefer if I were to pay the nice lady with the Official Camera for pictures. Meanwhile, the little kid is still looking at him like he is a freak of nature.And speaking of strange. Can someone explain just what is going on here? I get the mattress. And I even get the mattress with the Santa hat on it. But what exactly is being advertised when you have some Ninja bumping and grinding on the Santa Mattress at the intersection of 1604 & Culebra?