Movie Report: No Country For Old Men...Sucks!

I don't really do movie reviews here. The reason is, frankly, over the years, I have proven to be a terrible gauge on what regular people I know find entertaining about a flick.

I loved Lost in Translation - my wife thinks it sucked. But, since we seem to agree on this one, I'll go ahead and tell you that at the end of the movie, we were both in total agreement; this is the worst movie I have ever been suckered into purchasing.

Yes, yes, I understand that many awards were given and some guy I don't know was the best actor. Make no mistake - the acting was brilliant. Tommy Lee Jones is always a favorite. You know he just plays himself in every movie - but according to people who have run across him here in San Antonio, he is simply an obnoxious dick in person. I won't hold that against him because after all, he has to face a knowing public who payed good money to see this stupid movie. He probably is upset that the director screwed this flick up and is taking it out on his adoring public.

That other guy with the weird haircut; who came up with that fashion tip anyway? It wasn't that he didn't do a good job of acting, it just seems as though the lines he was reading never seemed to add up to a full storyline. Call me a doofus, but can someone please tell me what was going on?

Yes, I know that the Josh Brolin character found the dead drug dealers, the dope and the money. I get that he wanted to send his wife off to the mother for safety. I can even understand splitting up - send her on the bus and maybe take a different route. But what did I miss that made him want to go to Mexico?

And who did the creepy haircut guy work for? Or did all the dead businessmen work for him? And when did Woody Harrleson get his hand back?

So intertwined in this unneeded chase - after all, who amongst us would find a briefcase full of money and opt to keep it in the same briefcase while we try to avoid detection of the bad guys? And if the guy empties the money into a gym bag or a laundry basket, or if he does like most of the rest of the normal people in Texas would do - bathe nekkid in the pile of found cash and send Polorids of your fat ass covered in Benjamin's in a polite letter of resignation e-mail to your boss, there wouldn't be a chase because the little homing device would have been found from the word go. But I digress.

Underneath this little chase plot, we have Tommy Lee Jones, mostly eating breakfast and drinking other people's milk. He looks like Agustus McCrae has died again and again and it is weighing heavily on his mind. If Robert Duval had only been in this movie, perhaps we could have had some references to Napalm in the Morning and such, and it might have helped me better understand why Tommy Lee's character was so down. For good measure though, he does meet up with Barry Corbin for a little chat, even though the two never actually met up in Lonesome Dove.

So here's the deal - and please, don't misunderstand; the acting was great and there was this incredible photography of Texas and many of the scenes were simply done with such great skill I can understand the desire for people to want to call this "an Instant Classic" (David Ansen, Newsweek). But when the movie ended, my wife and I looked at one another and in near unison with jaws dropped said, "You gotta be shittin' me!"

If you haven't seen the movie, please don't let my little report pique your interest, because then I'd feel bad that you spent the money on a rental or bought the DVD. Though I suspect at our next garage sale, you'll find this one on sale with a Low Mileage sticker on it in the bargain bin. I won't feel bad if you give us a few bucks for it.